Lightning Burns
by pixie freak
Summary: post new moon.lightning strikes and Bellas world is turned upsde down danger lurks in every corner she has only one warning "i'm coming" CHARACTER DEATH! all usual parings may contain werewolfs
1. Bad Feelings

hi my lovely friend posted this for me and she has shown me how to use fanfiction and we have remembered my password!! hahaha so you know my name is jess and my story was previously posted by chantelle aka deathly phoenix, enjoy and review ive lost all of mine please

Bad Feelings

"Bella love" my angel called to me in his soft velvet voice I turned my head away from the living room window and the depressingly starless sky and the heavy pelting rain that filled it. I looked at my own personal miracle, admiring his flawless white skin and perfect features letting my eyes wander from his tousled bronze hair to his face. I saved his eyes until last knowing that when I looked into them I would lose my coherency. That was not the only reason why I saved his eyes until last- Edward couldn't read my thoughts but I knew as soon as I looked up then he would extract my fears and emotions from my eyes. I smiled up at him- we sat just inches apart on my old and well used sofa, I allowed his hands to ensnare mine in his strong grasp and slide me deftly onto his lap, he rubbed circles on my back and I curled closer into his cold hard chest breathing in his exquisite scent. Now that we were both comfortable and he was sure that I was paying attention he continued.

"Jasper, Emmet and myself are going hunting tomorrow is that okay?" his soft voice sounded guarded and I knew that he was measuring my reaction, he stroked my cheek and tilted my head up so that he could read my eyes. While he did so I traced the light circles under his eyes with my fingertips, I couldn't help but notice that his eyes weren't that dark and were honey coloured. I returned my hand back into his and entwined our fingers together- wishing that I could permanently lock them together.

"you don't look thirsty" I commented lightly, hoping that he wouldn't see my sudden crushing fear at the thought of him leaving.

"I'm not really but Jasper needs to go and well as nothing's going on… " he trailed off and looked back down at me.

"Oh, sure" I said after a minute "what do you mean nothing's going on?" I felt the suspicion within me rise and even to me my voice sounded panicked and weak.

He grinned crookedly at me- momentarily dazzling me with his beauty, my angel so breathtaking. I still didn't understand why he loved such an ordinary person like me, but I was so lucky and grateful that he did I didn't deserve someone so perfect. "nothing's going on that's the point your bad luck hasn't brought any homicidal vampires after us and I thought that I should take this rare occasion and go hunt".

" I am not that unlucky Edward" I replied and hit him playfully chuckling under my breath, I felt a shaking within his chest and realised that he was silently laughing with me. "when will you be back" I asked when I had stopped; trying desperately to sound casual although I knew he could see through me- I was the worst liar in the entire world. Not to mention the fact that he knew my true feelings by my traitor blush.

"Tomorrow evening, I have to go tonight though, in fact I should be going now" he answered, waiting patiently for me to absorb his words. "It means that I'll be back sooner love" I nodded against his chest as he pulled me into a tighter embrace his long arms shielding me from an invisible threat. One day. I could survive one day couldn't I. I hated to admit it but I hated for him to leave even when it was necessary, but I reminded myself of the time when he had been so reluctant to leave me his beautiful butterscotch eyes had transformed into black diamonds. I never wanted to see him in so much pain again, so I pretty much kicked him out the door when he wanted to go and put on a brave face. If he knew the extent of my abandonment issues then he would always be afraid to leave me. I couldn't burden him with that.

"Can I have my morning kiss now then" I teased. He drew in closer to me and released the full force of his eyes onto me. I couldn't remember what I had been about to say. I couldn't even remember my own name. Then oh so carefully his fingers knotted themselves in my hair pushing my body closer to his. I complied, eagerly throwing my arms around his neck and locking them in place. His cool marble lips moved gently with mine although the kiss wasn't as careful as previous ones- this suited me just fine. I concentrated on remembering to breath and traced his lips with the tip of my tongue. He was the one to break away and he moved his head on top of mine cradling me to him. My head was spinning because of my lack of oxygen and my breath came in gasps, I was satisfied to find that I was not the only one that was breathing irregularly. Edward laughed and stood me up, his eyes were brimming with excitement that he usually contained, I also caught a mischievous glint in his eyes "Bella what are we going to do with you" his quite laughter shook me and I sighed in defeat.

"See you soon I guess bag a few of whatever you're hunting for me" I smiled

"Be back soon love, you won't even have time to miss me" he kissed the top of my head and inhaled before vanishing out the door. I sighed. Did he know me at all? I was already missing him.

From the moment that I woke, I knew that it was going to be a bad day. It was more than a gut feeling or suspicion. It was like a newfound knowledge that my subconscious was feeding me, an unshakeable truth that didn't make sense. I sighed and sat up in bed groaning as I looked out of the window to be greeted with a thick heavy rain- another bad omen, I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and rose from my bed, something slipped from the covers: a note. My heart leapt as I carefully read it, my fingers savouring the cool paper and the neat curly calligraphy.

Be safe I'll be back so soon that you won't have time to miss me,

Your forever love

Edward

I smiled at his message, and how reassuring it was. The fear was still there though and I knew that until he was back then I couldn't truly be happy. I could still feel the dark shadow of doubt looming above me, a bad feeling that wouldn't go away it hung thick and black- I wondered if the cloud was due to Edwards absence and the bad weather although I had begun to despise sunny days because that meant that Edward wouldn't come to school and I would have to get through the dreary school day without him sitting next to me. I had nothing but my early morning shift at Newton's to occupy me and I sighed again my mind trying to picture my day without Edward. When I did that though I thought of Jake and how I had always gone to visit him when I had nothing else to do, how his perfect happy smile had made me smile too and banished my pain and sorrow- for a few hours. How I wished to see him smile again. Not the smile he had left me with in the woods, bitter and cold. But his happy carefree Jacob smile. I thought back to the last time I saw him; his face crumpled in pain, tears streaming down his beautiful russet skin. I would hold that memory of him forever and how it had been my fault. My words that had been said in anger that had caused him to look like that. I was all my fault and I had to make it right somehow. I knew however that going to La Push was out of the question; Alice was perfectly capable of stopping me and my truck as Edward was. I could feel my guilt go into spiral mode, I had hurt them both. Edward and Jake and I still kept hurting them because I was selfish and I loved them both too much to give in; Jake was like a brother to me caring, kind, warm, my own personal sun. Edward was the love of my existence, perfect, selfless, loving. Why was it so hard for both of them to understand that I loved them both- in different ways, why couldn't they just get along and be Jacob and Edward and not werewolf and vampire, it broke my already shattered heart to see them fight over me. I wasn't worth them getting hurt. Especially Jake who was a lot softer then Edward was. I decided that it was best to get to work before I ended up brooding on the past and ripping my heart apart. My shift at Newton's did nothing to stop me wallowing in memories and I was glad that it was over even if I had nothing else to do. Mike was beginning to annoy me with his endless chatter, and I didn't really want to look at his face again when I had said I was going home he had looked like a spaniel that had been kicked in the face. I wondered why he thought of me as "more than a friend" I was clearly with Edward, would he never give in? I pulled in our drive and found a police cruiser already there. What was Charlie doing home so early? The bad feeling that I had been having all day intensified. I gulped. Something bad had happened but what?

When I got out of my truck and walked past the cruiser in the driveway I realised that it wasn't Charlie's, another police car- my dad's cruiser was parked not far away so I knew that Charlie had been called home. An icy fear took hold in my stomach what had happened? Who had I lost this time? I was mentally preparing myself for whatever bad news I was about to be greeted with whilst I walked towards the house, practising my calm facade that I would keep plastered to my face for Charlie. I opened the door quickly, hoping with my entire being that the news that I was about to receive wasn't serious. My hopes instantly banished when I saw the look on Charlie's face: his face was crumpled in pain; tears were streaming down his eyes- something so uncharacteristic that I knew instantly that it was bad. I stepped through hallway dumping my coat with surprising speed and went over to him, wrapping my arms around his shoulders whispering soothingly to him. I looked up at the two police officers that were sitting on the opposite sofa, trying to ask the question that I didn't really want to ask, I knew that as soon as I asked then I would get an answer, an answer that I didn't want to hear. An answer that I couldn't necessarily deal with, I prepared myself again knowing that I had to keep this together for Charlie's sake. The police man nodded to himself- he had obviously witnessed my preparations, he took a deep breath and repeated what he had told Charlie to me.

"Miss Swan, there was an accident today involving your mother Renee Brigg's and her second husband Phillip Briggs." He stopped and looked at me. My calm resolve had dissolved at the mention of my mother and I tried again to relax myself- my bad feeling changing into an icy fear.

"What's wrong? Are they sick? Is she okay?" I was anxious now, and although I didn't want the answer that I knew he was about to say I couldn't stop myself from asking, I was too concerned and afraid not to. I felt Charlie stiffen at my side as he braced himself to hear the news again.

"I'm sorry Miss Swan your mother and Phillip were in a car accident, I'm afraid that their injuries were..." I switched off as soon as I heard that word. Were meaning the past tense. Meaning that despite my hopes and prayers that my suspicions were confirmed. My mother and Phill were dead. The policeman was still trying to find the right words to announce what I had already guessed.

"My mother and Phill are dead." I stated cutting him off as he attempted to say the words that I really didn't want to hear. I was surprised of how calm my voice sounded and I wondered vaguely what my face looked like. I felt numb and I was waiting for my sadness to consume me, but the moment still didn't come. Part of me was screaming at the policeman in front of me, _tell me I'm wrong! Tell me that I jumped to the wrong conclusion! Tell me that everything is fine with my mother!_ Off course he never said any of those things because I hadn't jumped to the wrong conclusion. Unfortunately I was right.

"What happened?" I asked, keeping calm and not screaming at the man to tell me. I resisted the urge to shout that he shouldn't be mean and keep me in suspense. I concentrated on breathing in and out, Charlie was still shaking in my arms and I still couldn't react. I wouldn't react not until I had to, not until he couldn't see me.

"There was a lorry and the driver lost control and swerved into them. They didn't have a chance to react. Phillip was killed instantly. Your mother passed away an hour later at the hospital. They were on their way to the airport when it happened." he gulped.

"Oh" that was the only sound that I could make. I refused to believe that my mother was dead. That the accident hadn't happened. Because I knew deep down that it was my fault. They had been on their way to visit me, it was always my fault.


	2. Broken Hearts

new chappy review!

_Broken Hearts_

Carefully I rose wrapping a blanket around Charlie and motioned for them to leave. It would be very bad to have some alone time but I knew that it had to happen sooner or later. Charlie had to grieve and accept. I had to grieve, although at the moment it was the guilt that i could feel overshadowing my sadness. The policemen followed me down the hall and as I opened the door. One whispered to me "look after your father, you'd be surprised by what people do when their grieving" the concern in his eyes was the only thing that made me answer.

"I will, I'll get Billy round he'll be a great help as well, what happened to the other driver?" and although I whispered I knew that the policeman had heard me. I waited patiently- I had no desire to face Charlie.

"The lorry driver a Mr Grey also passed away in the accident" his voice was strained and I could tell that he had had enough of our conversation.

"Thank you for coming to tell us" I whispered although internally I was screaming at him. How could he have brought such bad news? Why did he tell us? I knew however that it wasn't his fault, he probably hadn't wanted to be the bearer of bad news either, and there was no need to shoot the messenger.

He nodded and opening the door he stepped out and into his car. I took deep breaths. Wondering why I wasn't crying or screaming. I felt sad unbelievably sad and guilty. But I wasn't reacting. I needed to react- there was one thing that I had to deal with first though. Charlie.

I walked slowly back into the living room, my father sat broken- like a wounded soldier- his face looked like it was about to break into a thousand pieces. He looked fragile, like china. Something valuable and strong, something that's always been there, that you know you mustn't break but you accidently drop it. And when you pick up the pieces and try to glue it back together again but you know that it will never be the same, you know that it will always be different. Altered. He looked altered- like china- and I know that he will never be the same again. I love my father, I live with my father, I chat with my father at dinner times about unimportant things. I know where he works, what he likes, what to cook him but I don't know how he will react. I was terrified I didn't know what he would do or how he would cope, I couldn't begin to fathom what to say. I went over to him and sat down next to him before I hugged him tightly to me, rocking him gently back and forth and whispering soothingly to him when I was sure he could hear. Like Edward did when I was upset or couldn't sleep, admittedly it was a different situation, but his calming antics had always calmed me so I thought I'd try and see whether they worked on my father. They did. Dad eventually stopped shaking although it felt like and age, his sobs quietened but the tears remained steady and strong streaming down his face. What about Edward? I had a desperate need to see him, to hold him, to let his crooked smile banish this nightmare away, I was selfish I should be focused on my father, instead part of me craved for his touch and presence. I was jerked out of my reverie by a light knocking on the door, Charlie had fallen into a troubled sleep and I hadn't noticed that his sobs had turned into snores- I had not the heart nor the will to wake him so I carefully placed the blanket over him instead.

I walked over to the door as quietly as I could and I opened it to find Edward standing patient and glorious. At least he was back early. I drew in a deep breath and stepped back to allow him inside. I could tell that he already knew that something was wrong as soon as he had glanced at my white face; I wondered vaguely what my face looked like and hoped that whatever expression which had been frozen on my face since the news was a relatively calm one. I looked carefully into his light butterscotch eyes, wondering if he had read Charlie's thoughts and already knew the news. I motioned to my bedroom, knowing that if we had the conversation we were about to have, we would wake Charlie and I would have to comfort him again. I had begun to understand why Charlie hated the sight of waterworks. Once we were upstairs I closed my bedroom door and carefully pulled Edward down next to me on the bed.

"What's happened Bella love?" his velvet voice so quiet that I could barely hear it, his voice sounded pained and concerned, I didn't need to be an empath to feel the waves of anxiety that seemed to radiate from him.

"You didn't read it from Charlie then?" I whispered back whilst mentally preparing myself to tell him.

"No he was asleep I can't hear dreams Bella, only thoughts. So what's wrong?" he repeated again.

"Everyone is okay right?" I suddenly asked his eyes were tight and I hadn't told him my bad news. What was he so anxious about? Please let everyone be fine. Please.

"Everyone's good. Why do you ask?" his voice was amused now.

"You looked strange- really anxious. I was just wondering why, that was all." I defended but even I could hear how flat my voice was.

"Silly Bella I was worried about you love, you look strange as well. So do I get to know the big secret then or are you going to keep me in suspense?" he teased, smiling crookedly, he pulled me onto his lap and I snuggled closer hiding my face before I told him the bad news.

"It's Renee and Phill they're... "I refused to say it out loud. I wouldn't believe. Couldn't believe the truth, I rebelled and allowed myself to think that my mother wasn't gone, that she wasn't lost, that I would be able to see her again soon alive, well and happy. "gone." I finished avoiding the D word. I wouldn't say it.

"What do you mean they're gone?" Edward whispered caressing my cheek until I looked at him, even without his touch I felt cold. Just like my mother was. Cold, trapped and alone. Gone- permanently out of my reach. Forever.

"They were involved in an accident, they... died" I had finally managed to say it. The word which would make the truth all too real. I expected tears, and fear, but I still wasn't reacting. It was then I realised that I had never lost a parent, I never lost a family member before, no-one had ever died before, and I didn't know what to do. I heard his sharp intake of breath and felt his arms tighten protectively around me; I didn't react like I should have done. My heart should have spluttered and beat erratically, my blood should have rushed to colour my face red, I should have shivered at his cool touch. Nothing happened. I still loved him- I loved him with everything I had- but I was numb and the strongest emotion that came second to my love for Edward was a painful sadness and an overwhelming guilt. Finally I blushed and cuddled back into his arms- maybe I was in shock, maybe I was having delayed reactions, but the tears I yearned for never came and had to be content with the numbness. I looked up at Edward and his expression was heart wrenching, his eyes were tight yet soft, his forehead was creased with worry and despair and I knew that although he hadn't been the one to lose his parents his pain was honest.

"How are you?" he asked looking at me, assessing my mood. I tactfully avoided the question.

"Charlie's bad. He's broken, different. I don't know what I'm going to do, what I'm going to say- I'm terrified of what he's going to do, and I have no idea how I can help him. I think I'm going to have to call Billy- he's his best friend he should have a clearer idea." I blurted quickly, the faster I said the words the better I felt.

"I don't know Bella, you are his daughter, calling Billy might be a good idea though they have been friends for a long time, but that wasn't my question I didn't ask about Charlie I asked about you. My only concerns are for you love." His voice was sweet and reassuring it calmed me, helped me think rationally. I decided that it was best to answer his question before he thought something was seriously wrong- besides I reasoned with myself I would have to answer it sooner or later and he would keep asking until I did it was best to get it over now.

"I honestly don't know at the moment" that was the best I could do. I couldn't burden him with the intense guilt that I was feeling nor the overpowering numbness, and I realised why I wasn't reacting- it was because I had known worse pain. The pain when Edward had left was something i would always remember, something that my body would always remember, and although it seemed like a long and distant feeling. I knew that I would carry the memory of it with me forever. I couldn't feel anything because I had known such worse pain. This was exactly how I had reacted when Edward had left. Empty and useless without my one love. With Renee it was different though, I didn't feel empty, I felt strangely calm and although there was an increasing sadness I just couldn't shake the guilt. It filled my heart and it was that guilt which was making me numb. It was that guilt which was stopping me from feeling, because it was my fault. My fault my mother had died. My fault she been in that accident. My fault- because the last memories that I had left her with had been terrible, so terrible that she wanted to come and visit. My fault because I hadn't cared enough. I looked at Edward, he looked so sad, I felt how he looked. Sad and pained and guilty.

"I love you Edward. I love you more than anything. Please stay with me." I was pleading. I couldn't lose anyone else again. Especially not him. Not Edward, or Charlie, or Jake, or the Cullen's, or anyone that was part of the La Push gang. Nobody. I could not lose anybody. I was at breaking point, but I had to be strong for Charlie and Edward for everyone. I would put on a brave face. I would watch my father and look after him. I would make sure that I couldn't lose anyone else, or I would definitely break. At my words Edward smiled, although I could see that he was still concerned, it was a smile that I loved. Warm and caring my heart spluttered- I was reacting now for which I was grateful, I wanted to feel, it kept me sane. I instantly felt selfish again I needed to think of Charlie not myself. How could someone so perfect and selfless love someone like me- selfish and stubborn.

"I love you Bella and I will never leave you. You have my word" he whispered. I glanced quickly at my digital clock it was only half nine. I had felt so much later. I didn't feel tired and I knew that when I eventually got round to sleeping I would be plagued with nightmares. Sensing my discomfort Edward carefully placed me in the bed, sweeping the covers over me in one swift movement. He played with my hair as I curled up into a protective ball in his arms whilst he hummed my lullaby. I avoided sleep for as long as I could and I think it was about two in the morning when I finally succumbed to my exhaustion and drifted to sleep in his arms.


	3. Nightmares

Nightmares

I knew I was dreaming, I was standing on a motorway watching the cars fly past. I was screaming at them to stop, so the accident wouldn't happen. Screaming at them to slow down waving my arms wildly around me willing them to notice me. Of course they didn't. My voice was lost in the noise of engines and loud music which I could hear playing from a bright green ford, my heart froze as I recognised the tune and the car, when I strained my eyes I could just about make out the heart-shaped face of my mother, her bright childlike eyes and short blonde hair. I could see Phill wearing a baseball cap and teasing Renee about her taste in music. I watched helpless, my legs refusing to move as the lorry from another lane- swerved madly the drivers face so fearful that even though I didn't know him my heart leapt. Yet again I tried to run to my mother and Phill screaming at the top of my lungs. Renee looked up and saw me she whispered something- before the lorry smashed into the driver's side crushing the left side instantly and flipping the car. The lorry stilled and I could hear Renee's desperate screams. I broke. No! No, this couldn't be happening. Not again. Flames blurred my vision as I remembered the words she had whispered. It's all your fault Bella. I'm sorry I whispered. I'm so so sorry. It's my fault. I'm sorry. The crash faded and I woke, screaming. Edward wrapped his arms around me in an instant.

"Sshhh love, it was just a nightmare, everything is fine" he soothed. He was wrong everything was not fine. Edward held me until I stopped gasping for breath and forced my chin up so I was forced to stare into his eyes.

"Bella you were talking." I gulped he sounded angry. Of course he wouldn't want to be with a selfish person like me. He had thought about it. He was going to leave me. Fear erupted within me and I pushed it back. Praying with all my might that he wasn't about to say what I thought he was. He surprised me.

"Yes" I whispered, throat dry and croaky from screaming. Scrutinising his stern angry gaze.

"You said that it was your fault, you said that it was all your fault. I know what you were talking about Bella. It was not your fault that your mother and Phill died." His voice was harsh but his eyes were soft. I gave in.

"Yes it's all my fault Edward. They were on the way to see me. If I had left Renee with better memories she wouldn't have wanted to come see me. If I had looked after her better then this never would have happened. Three people died in that accident. The lorry driver I didn't know but he had a family, friend's pets, and entire future that was wiped out because I wasn't there for Renee. I wasn't there to help her to do something..." he cut me off.

"Isabella Marie Swan! Look at me." He waited until he held my brown eyes in his gaze before continuing "this is in no way your fault. Even if you had been there what could you have done? Renee was an adult she was coming to see her daughter and she was in an accident that had nothing to do with you and could in no way have been your fault. You cannot blame yourself for that Bella. You cannot shoulder the blame for everything- you still absurdly think that me leaving you was your fault..." he stopped and looked down at me, carefully stroking my face, brushing the moisture away from my eyes in one gentle movement. He wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me tightly into a hug, rubbing circles on my back. "I'm sorry Bella love. I'm not angry at you, I could never be angry at you. It's just you carry the whole world on your shoulders- Jasper feels it, everyone sees it- and I know that it's in your nature to think that everything is your fault. I wish you could see yourself you feel so needlessly guilty and blamed all the time, you can't carry it forever love because you will crumble under the strain. Please let me help you. Talk to me. I love you and you know that you can tell me anything." Edward finished, I clutched at him breathing in as much of his scent that I could. I found his lips and began to kiss them, kiss everything that was in reach. I savoured his perfect lips and waited until I could form a coherent response.

"I'm sorry too Edward." I said, blushing deeply. "I'm sorry".

He laughed sending shivers down my spine, he took my hand and walked me carefully to the kitchen before sitting me down and upon insistence fetched me a bowl of cereal. I watched him lost I thought. Stared in wonder at his graceful movements. His beauty and grace always stunned me no matter how much time we spent together. I knew that I would soon be like him and be able to stand next to him and look like I belonged. Beautiful, fast, immortal, and more importantly able to spend the rest of my entire existence with Edward- my soul mate. Selfish I told myself. How could I think of the future my mother and her second husband had died because of me, and Charlie was grieving how could I think of only myself when he needed me. There was so much to think about, although I dreaded the next few days, there was graduation to worry about, exams to revise for and hopefully get good marks, eventually I would have to talk to Charlie- help him- although I hadn't the faintest clue how I was going to do so. I couldn't even relate to myself, let alone Charlie, I didn't know how I should reacting, I remembered how I had acted when Edward left me. I remembered the pain I had felt, how I would always have to hold myself together to stop myself from shattering, I remembered how I couldn't breathe right and how my heart had disappeared. That was what I should be feeling, but I wasn't. I was a cold heartless monster I couldn't even cry, despite the fact that my mother had _died_. She wasn't just ill or in hospital, she was gone, I would never see her again. I would have to live with the fact that I hadn't spoken to my mother since she heard about the motorcycle. I hadn't spoken to Phill since I wished him happy birthday about two months ago. I craved to feel pain. I craved to cry and sob myself to sleep. I wished with all my heart that I could react. I had written my lack of feelings of- but I shouldn't feel like this and even if the pain wasn't the same as when Edward left I wanted a twinge, something to remind me of who I was. I felt a sadness and it did admittedly make my heart ache. I felt guilt- an all consuming guilt that echoed in the corners of my mind and soul. I should fell pain. I should feel such a bad pain that it would take my breath away and leave me gasping for air. My mother, my own flesh and blood- I would never see her smile, or laugh or get angry. I was ashamed of myself, disgusted that I could be such a cruel, uncaring beast.

"Bella you need to eat" his velvet musical voice distracted me from my thoughts and pulled me back to Earth. I felt cold hands push a spoon into my right hand and looked down to find a bowl of cereal on the table. I mumbled my thanks, thoughts still locked in the past. What if Edward knew how selfish I was would he still love me? It broke my heart to even think the question but what if Edward left me because I was selfish and heartless. I was pulled out of my thoughts again by Edward's quiet exclamation. "Bella eat" and although his voice sounded gentle, I could hear the impatience in his voice. I wondered vaguely how long I had sat like that since he had last spoken. Looking down I ate some cereal to keep him happy though I didn't feel hungry, I finally worked up enough courage to look at him, he was watching me intently a frown of worry on his face, his beautiful golden eyes were tight with anxiousness and his perfect lips were pulled in a downward curve. I didn't like it when he looked like that it generally meant that something was wrong- he told me last night that his family were okay and I hoped sincerely that he wasn't lying to me I didn't think I could take that. My head was throbbing from sleep deprivation and looked up at the clock above the fridge it read seven thirty, I sighed I had gotten a total of five and a half hours sleep last night, I was defiantly going to need some headache pills. A thought suddenly struck me and it was then that I realised how selfish I actually was.

"Where's Charlie?" I asked after swallowing another bite of soggy cereal.

"He left early and went to work" Edward sighed.

"Oh. Good." That was the only thing I could think of saying. Was Charlie going to work a good thing? Was it because he was avoiding me and the talk that we would have to have just as I had avoided him last night? I should know the answer to that I told myself; if I hadn't been caught up in my own stupid life and paid more attention to him then I would know. But then again you take after Charlie and neither of you know what to say to one another, that's why it's so easy to live with him and Renee was always the one to chat another part of myself argued I felt a stabbing pain in my heart at the thought of my mother. "Edward what day is it?" I suddenly realised that I had no idea.

"It's Monday Bella" disapproval rang in his voice "tell me what you're thinking Bella before I go insane" he reached down and pulled me up, his eyes were too close and as always they lured me into telling the truth.

"I was thinking about Charlie, I don't know what I'm going to say to him. I don't know what I'm going to do." Thankfully I managed to regain my senses before I could blurt out the whole story, he would be angry at me if I told him I was selfish and would try to make me feel better. He would be angry if I told him it was all my fault again- and reason with me, but at least the guilt made me feel for my mother. I needed to feel else I would go crazy.

"Bella love," he said wrapping his arms tightly around me I leaned against his chest- still feeling the cold through his grey sweater that clung to his body. "Listen to me don't worry about that yet, you'll figure out what to say. You both need time to think." He was so reassuring and I couldn't help but listen to his advice. "I'm more worried about you. You're not...Your keeping your emotions locked away. Its not healthy love." His voice broke at the last sentence and I wondered what else I had said when I was asleep. I couldn't bear to see him in pain so I hugged him closer for a second.

"I don't know what I'm feeling right now Edward" I managed although my voice was quiet "I promise I'll tell you when I find out though" I tried to reassure him and I hoped I sounded better than I felt.

"Maybe we should go and see Jasper maybe he can give us some insight" Edward suggested shrewdly, I stared blankly at him because truthfully, If I was being honest with myself I didn't want to know my feelings because once I had found that out I would have to react and what if I still couldn't express myself. Then even Edward would see me as the monster I really was, then even though I thought he shouldn't, he would leave me despite the fact that part of me knew that it would be better for him if he did. I couldn't bear for another person to leave me. I couldn't bear for him to leave me. I had already been through that once I couldn't go through that again.

"No I'll be fine, I'll figure them out eventually." I hoped that this worked, I didn't want to be told my feelings I could handle it myself. I got up and ditched my bowl-which was still half full in the sink I would wash it up later and began to turn and run up the stairs a white arm snaked around my waist before I could take my second step.

"Where do you think you're going?" Edward asked I struggled against his arms but he wouldn't let me move and inch away. My eyes travelled up his perfect face- he looked so worried and anxious. I knew that he was worried about me and my guilt went into spiral mode.

"School" I answered shortly he was about to protest but I stopped him before he could convince me to stay at home. "Edward I need to go into school- It's way too close to finals for me to stay at home" and when I said this I wasn't lying I really did need to go to school but the finals were not my only reason.

He sighed and released me, whispering something about getting his car and changing his clothes. I ran to the shower turning up the water so that it burned my freezing skin, I washed my hair and body quickly and watched some of my worries and doubts spiral down the plug hole. I had to keep up my calm facade not only for Charlie but for Edward I had to set him free from of his worry and pain if it was the last thing I did. I dressed quickly in a simple T-shirt and jeans, brushed my wet hair back and pulled it into a messy bun so the moisture from my hair wouldn't drip down my back, I grabbed my bag and went out of the door. It was raining lightly the strong wind making it curve so it blew onto me, I took several deep breaths of cool rain filled air suddenly realising just how claustrophobic my house actually was. I found the silver Volvo already parked and waiting for me I slid in the passenger seat like always and shut the door gently. Alice was in the back seat but she was unusually quiet and I turned to her so I could prolong Edwards unhappy glare. She looked so sad and heartbroken I yearned to put my arms around her, she was like a sister to me I didn't like seeing her unhappy. It was so out of character Alice was usually so happy and excited she generally bounced up and down on the seat talking at one hundred miles an hour, talking so fast that her lips buzzed and became a background noise. "What's wrong Alice?" I asked softly wondering whether she would say anything in front of Edward but since he could read her mind I presumed he already knew. She met my eyes and stared at my confused and worried face, she looked saddened, slightly annoyed but most of all she looked anxious just like Edward.

"Bella your mother and Phill have just died" she spoke softly but I saw the glance she exchanged with Edward who wasn't bothering to watch the road and was turned and watching my face. I had no idea what to say now.

"Oh I'm sorry Alice" I matched her whisper except my voice sounded dead and flat, I carefully turned round and watched the town pass by through the light drizzle. We sat in an awkward silence for the rest of the journey, my thoughts drifted to my dream. To my mother's whispered words and her helpless screams. I wasn't dreaming anymore though. My nightmare had come true and there was nothing I could do about it.


	4. Visit to the empath

Visit to the Empath 

It had been a week and half since my mother had died, and a week since her funeral. I never wanted to speak of the funeral again, myself and Charlie had finally had a talk about Renee and Phill and the funeral arrangements. Charlie decided that we bury them both in Forks together in the local cemetery- he said it was so we could visit them if we wanted to. I hadn't argued, I knew that my mother wouldn't have wanted to be buried in Forks, she had hated the place and now she was doomed to spend the rest of eternity trapped in the rainy town. I had just been glad that Charlie was moving on to argue if it made him happy then I wasn't going to argue and it wasn't as if Renee cared anyway, she was dead- in heaven or somewhere else spending the rest of her existence with Phill or something (I had never been religious so I didn't really believe in the afterlife I just hoped that she was safe). It didn't really matter what I believed it didn't change anything she was gone. I was shocked by my own heartlessness she wasn't just dead some unknown corpse: she was my mother, she wasn't unimportant, she was the woman that had raised me looked after me, she had been my best friend I shouldn't think of her like that. I didn't want to think of her like that I wanted to remember her as my mother not a corpse, cold and white bright, her blue eyes forever closed. I remembered the sight of Charlie crying along with a few others that had known Renee and Phill and had attended the funeral, how broken they looked. I hadn't cried I had stood numb next to Edward who had squeezed my hand and held me close, I couldn't even cry for my own mother I had never felt more selfish and guilty, sure I felt sad incredibly sad but I wanted to cry and that was something that I couldn't do. It was because I didn't want to believe that my mother was dead, crying would have made me remember, crying would have meant that it was true. I didn't have Charlie as an excuse anymore and Edward was growing more and more worried each day, I was getting five hours sleep maximum because of the nightmares that plagued my subconscious, it was always the same nightmare; the car, the lorry and my mother's cutting truthful words _it's all your fault Bella. _I would always wake screaming and unable to find my way back to sleep, even Edward couldn't soothe me enough so that I could slip back into unconsciousness. I would lay shaking with Edwards arms wrapped tightly around me- as though he was afraid that he was losing me- until it was time for school. My grades were normal probably because I made sure that I payed attention in every class, I had to make sure that I had something to concentrate on so that my mind wouldn't wander back to Renee and Phill. Edward and I still hadn't talked about the death of my mother and Phill since the day that I had told him of their accident and it pained me to see him so worried, he hadn't left me since I had announced the bad news and his eyes were steadily getting darker although they weren't dark enough for me to kick him out and tell him to hunt. I was glad I didn't think that I was ready for him to leave yet. The death of my mother had brought more abandonment issues. I was dreading the next hunting trip.

I shut the door behind me and like usual I found the Volvo, Edward and Alice waiting for me. I shut the door, slipped my seatbelt on and stared out the window- my normal routine. Alice was speaking so quickly that the words turned to mush her behaviour had returned and the only sign she gave to show that she was still worried was her occasional glance towards Edward.

"Bella, we're not going to school today" Edward announce as soon as he had pulled out of the drive. I looked quizzically at him, even through the haze of sleep deprivation I marvelled at his inhuman beauty. His soft honey coloured eyes, the hard line of his perfect lips, his tousled bronze hair and flawless skin however the overall affect was marred by the deep frown of worry that hadn't left his face since I had told him the bad news.

"Why not? Its Wednesday Edward I need to go in finals are getting closer" I protested, although I knew I was fighting a losing battle.

"Bella we're going to see Jasper, I know you said that you didn't want to but I think you need to" Edward cut in quickly before I could think of another excuse that might sway him. I opened my mouth to voice my argument but he cut me off again. "Don't tell me you're dealing love, you're not eating well, you don't get enough sleep. It breaks me to see you like this, everyone is worried. You're not moving on or grieving and you need to please just go and see Jasper." He unleashed the full force of his eyes upon me, I stared at him wishing that he wouldn't worry so much about me, didn't he realised I didn't deserve his worry, I didn't deserve his love. I didn't deserve him. I was a cruel ruthless monster I should be left to rot, I shouldn't be allowed to have the love of such a selfless creature.

"Please Bella, it'll stop us from worrying if you do this for us please!" Alice's high musical voice pleaded with me interrupting my thoughts of guilt. I made sure that I didn't turn around to look at her, I knew the face she would be pulling and I didn't want to be swayed in my protest. I could imagine the face, so heartbreaking and innocent it would be enough to make me change my mind.

"Please Bella love for me" Edwards hand brushed my cheek. My heart went into overdrive and I felt the blush rise to my cheeks.

"Fine I'll go and see Jasper" I huffed in defeat. Maybe Jasper wouldn't know what I was feeling because I didn't know exactly what I was feeling. Maybe... I sighed of course he would know, there was no way to prolong the argument that I was sure to have with Edward, about my guilt because it was all my fault and although he tried nothing he had said so far had convinced me otherwise. I prepared myself, concentrating on my breathing practising the arguments in my mind. I looked up to find that we were already at Edward's house. I unsnapped my seatbelt and got out of the car stumbling slightly, eager to get this over and done with. Edward steadied me and we made our way up the drive, Alice on my other side dancing her way up the stone steps.

"Rose and Emmet are at school and Carlisle took Esme hunting so it's just you, Edward, Jasper and me" Alice spoke breaking the silence which was filled with dread. Edward carefully led me through into the living room squeezing my hand pushing me carefully onto the couch, Alice sat on one side of me one arm pulling me into a loose embrace, Edward sat on my other side squeezing my hand reassuringly. Jasper entered the room and carefully closed the door he pulled up a chair opposite me. I looked up at the tall blonde vampire in front of me, he was grimacing in pain, worry flared through me instantly and I immediately felt guilty was his pain my fault as well.

"What's wrong?" I asked, confusion etched in my voice, Edward cuddled me to his chest, and Alice leapt up to comfort her husband.

"It's you Bella, I can feel your pain and worry. You're so sad and guilty, I don't know how you can stand it." Jasper answered masking his pain and looking directly at me.

"I'm sorry Jasper, I don't mean to hurt you" I said avoiding Edwards pained gaze and Jaspers knowing eyes, out of the corner of my eye I saw Alice throw me a troubled glance as well and I sincerely wished they wouldn't. I felt even more guilty when they did- knowing that I was hurting them.

"Don't apologize Bella why do you feel so guilty? None of this is your fault you shouldn't be feeling guilty or worrying about us worry about yourself". Alice carefully held one of Jaspers hands in her own while he said this, it did nothing to stop the guilt. I was hurting so many people. Jacob, Edward, Jasper, Alice, Charlie. Everywhere I turned I hurt someone, I was a selfish creature- I couldn't even cry for my mother. I was responsible for everyone's pain It was all my fault. Jasper cried out, his face contorted in pain, I felt Edward cringe beside me- he had obviously read my feelings from Jaspers mind. I flinched.

"I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry" I repeated over and over again as I carefully stood and left the room. Jaspers cries stopped as soon as I had gone. I walked to the garage nobody followed me- realising that I needed some time alone, to my surprise I found my truck already waiting for me, the keys in the door. I stepped over to them and pulled them out of the door before closing the door to my truck and getting in the driver's side. I found two items on the passenger seat, I locked the door and turned my attention to them. The first was a note:

Alice said that you might need a get- away vehicle so I had Esme and Carlisle drop your truck off before they left. The phone is so that you can contact me when you need me. I love you with all my heart, and will speak to you later tonight, hopefully you would have had enough time to think, phone me if you're ready to talk sooner. Be safe.

Forever yours

Edward

I smiled at his elegant scripture, and glance over at the other object sure enough it was a small silver mobile, I carefully slipped it into my pocket before exiting the garage. I wondered if Jasper and Edward were feeling better I hated causing them pain. I hated hurting everyone, but I couldn't stop feeling this way so the hurting continued. At least Charlie was dealing, at least Charlie was moving on. Charlie, Jacob and the rest of the Cullen's had been my anchor and I couldn't imagine life without them. Charlie. He had been so good to me and I didn't know how to thank him for it, I loved him. I loved Edward. I loved Jacob (in a sisterly way). I loved all the Cullen's. I felt my heart begin to lighten. I didn't want to cause anyone else anymore pain, I didn't want to drive everyone I loved away from me and I had already done that with Jacob, I couldn't drive anyone else away. I felt better to my surprise, my resolve had made me happier, maybe I wasn't as heartless as I thought I was, maybe I could release Edward and Jasper from my pain, all it took was for me to move on. I could do that for my family. Wow Edward and Alice were right seeing Jasper did help, I expect that Alice had already seen my decision and had already told Edward- who was probably waiting for my call. I pulled up in the drive and got out of the van. Listening to the sound of the birds and rustling of the trees, the rain had eased but the wind howled fiercely and I was eager to get inside to the warmth of my home.


	5. Cracking

**Cracking**

Edwards point of view

It had been a week since Bella's mother had died, it had been one of the worst weeks I had ever experienced, although I took comfort in the fact that I had had worse weeks. I had expected tears, and sobbing and weeping, I had expected sadness and grief. I hadn't expected the numbness. I hadn't anticipated the unnecessary guilt and self- loathing. I most defiantly hadn't thought for a second that Bella- my beautiful, oversensitive, clumsy angel would keep her emotions locked away from me carefully hidden behind a calm facade. It was at times like this that I could read her mind and see what she really felt, what she was really thinking. I knew from facial expressions and the occasional slip up that she wasn't dealing. She wasn't grieving, she wasn't letting go. I had always known that she was stubborn. I had always loved her stubbornness and the fire that leapt into her eyes when she became angry. It was one of my favourite traits about her, something that made her Bella. But it pained me to see how much she clung to the idea that her mother wasn't gone, that there wasn't some way that she could save her, and Phill and the other driver. I had made sure that I had kept my own worry hidden away from her, but I knew that she saw through me- a little. Sometimes she would look at me or Alice and I would see the old Bella the Bella that was happy and embarrassed and just Bella, but just as my heart had begun to rise, the look would disappear and I would be left with the guilty trapped broken Bella. I wanted so much to help her, I loved her with everything that I had, every fibre of my being loved her, in all of my years, walking amongst humans, reading their boring thoughts from their dreary lives, seeing the anguish and pain that they caused one another I had never felt anything, that compared to my love for Bella. I knew deep down that this was what Bella did, that she couldn't help but shoulder the blame for everything, and I knew deep down that I loved her, whatever she was like. Whatever she did I would love her because she was my world, she was the only thing in my entire existence that had made me respect humanity, the only person that had made me completely happy. I would always love her. It was her love that had saved me from becoming a monster, her love that had made me feel like I belonged, her love that had filled my entire being with an indescribable happiness. I had fought vampires for her. To save her. I was selfish I knew she deserved so much better than a monster like me, I had killed, I had lied and I should be left alone, I had no right to steal her affection but I had done it anyway. I had tried to make it right and I stupidly thought that I could live without her. What I hadn't realised was how much that she needed me and I her. I was pathetic. I couldn't live without her. I couldn't spend the rest of my eternity without seeing her blush, touching her warm pale skin, smelling her heavenly scent. I couldn't spend the rest of my existence without seeing her perfect beautiful face or kissing her soft gentle lips. I needed her, and when she had found me in Italy, put herself in danger, I had realised exactly how stupid I had been and how much I needed her. When I had thought she was dead, all I could think of was how truly evil I had been. I had told her I hadn't loved her. I had lied so she would be safe. It was the worst lie that I could ever have told. All I could think of was how much I had loved, how much I couldn't live without her and how I needed to be with her. All I could think of was how white she would look, how her warm deep loving eyes would never open, how it was my fault that she had died. How I couldn't save her, how I wasn't there to save her to keep her safe. And then after the incident with the Volturi she had told me a little of how she had felt and some of the reckless things she'd done in my absence. It was all my fault that she had risked her life countless times, it was my fault because I had left her. I had realised just how deeply I loved her. I could never leave not unless she wanted me to. I had realised our irreversible connection and just how much she loved me.

I was never leaving her. And now she wouldn't tell me what she was thinking, she wouldn't express her emotions. She was broken and I knew that part of the reason was me and I had to try and fix her. I had to try and convince her that I would never leave her, that her mother's death wasn't her fault. Which was why I had decided to take her to Jaspers and to my surprise she agreed (even if it was a reluctant agreement) I wanted her to feel like Bella again. I wanted her to stop feeling guilty. I wanted to see tears in her emotional I eyes. I wanted to pull her out of her numbness and get a reaction. I had asked Jasper to help her and he instantly agreed. I knew that he thought of Bella as part of the family. Alice had also decided to stay and she had arranged for Carlisle, Esme, Emmet and Rosalie to disappear for the day and the evening so that I could talk to Bella and help her to grieve. Bella was like glass, cracking under the weight of Charlie, school and the emotions that she kept hidden. Soon she would shatter and I had to be there for. I had to fix her. Carefully I had pulled my love into our house, and onto the plush couch. I had sat next to her squeezing her hand and Alice had sat on her other side one arm round her shoulders wrapped protectively around her. I needed to pull Bella out of this I couldn't lose her again. My attention was focused on her face measuring her reactions and emotions that flitted across her face she looked worried, so I squeezed her hand again trying to reassure her. Jasper walked in and carefully took a chair and sat opposite facing Bella, I watched her face intently and scanned Jaspers thoughts, he was grimacing in pain and a quick glance at Bella's face told me that she had seen this she looked worried and guilty. I listened to Jaspers thoughts.

_Oh my she feels so sad and worried and GUILTY. How can she feel so guilty? Nothing was her fault. She's worried and tired and in pain. Its so crushing and destructive its burning her up inside. I don't know how she can stand it. _

I immediately pulled Bella into an embrace gently cuddling her into my chest, inhaling her sweet, beautiful smell, her hair smelt of strawberries and I breathed it in like a drug savouring it until I was calm enough to hide my pain. Although I had read Jaspers thoughts I could still feel the pain he was feeling and I didn't want Bella to see that she was already on edge enough as it was. I nodded to Alice who had run to comfort Jasper and was holding his hand tightly in his. I noticed Bella watching and my eyes flashed to Jasper's,

"Don't apologize Bella why do you feel so guilty? None of this is your fault you shouldn't be feeling guilty or worrying about us worry about yourself". Jasper's voice was calming and I knew that he was sending waves of calm and reassurance to Bella they didn't seem to be having any effect on her. A quick look in Jaspers mind confirmed that. Bella's emotions intensified and I could see them inside Jaspers head he let out a cry of pain and I did my best to keep silent so I didn't burden her with more guilt.

_Guilt, it was emanating from her. And a crushing sadness and worry its excruciating. She cant even see what its doing to her, I've tried to stop her but it wont work her emotions are too strong. Another wave of distress and worry. Edward try and calm her..._

Bella looked from me and Jasper and I knew that she was seeing the pain that I was desperately trying to hide. "I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry" she said and her exquisite voice sounded broken and flat. I yearned to wrap my arms around her but a quick glance at Alice stopped me from chasing after her. I understood that she needed time to think I had already left her truck for her as well as a note and a phone and I knew that she would call me as soon as she was ready to talk. I listened to her fluttering heartbeat and waited until the roar of her truck had faded away. I looked up at Jasper and Alice who hadn't moved and I was thankful to find that Jasper was okay, I was sure he had been since Bella had left the room.

"Well at least that gave us a clearer picture" Alice stated calmly, I was about to protest when she cut me off " Edward before you think of getting angry at yourself which is not what Bella needs ive already seen that she's going to call you as soon as she gets home". I sighed in relief and we all seemed to unfreeze at once.

"Thankyou Jasper for doing this" I grinned at my brother who grinned back before the frown returned to both our faces and I knew that we were brooding about the same thing. Bella's emotions. I was just about to say thankyou to Alice as well and ask her to check Bella's future when I saw her blank unfocused gaze. I allowed the vision to flood into my head.

**There was a vampire a different vampire. His eyes glowed red, a brilliant red that gave away his eating habits and made it impossible for him to fit in with other humans, he was well built and had the customary pale skin. He was alone when he stepped out from the shadows of the wood, the sunlight glinting of invisible facets of his skin making him glitter like a diamond. He was glowering and looked like he was ready to strike. **

I wondered vaguely what he was focused on but the vision disappeared. Another vampire was on his way to Forks, a dangerous vampire that fed of humans and would defiantly expose us if we didn't find out his intentions and either ask him to leave or kill him. I would have to be careful around Bella and make sure that there was a vampire with her at all times. I wasn't for a second going to let that vampire anywhere near her. I looked up at Alice who hadn't moved since the vision, her gaze was still unfocused and I tried to read her mind and allow the vision to filter through. She blocked me out. My heart which hadn't beat for over a hundred years did a somersault. Bella. She was the only reason that Alice would block me. I was about to question her when my phone vibrated in my pocket. I answered after the first ring

"Edward." My angel. What had happened she sounded so broken and scared, I could practically see her trembling down the phone line. I realised that I was very tense when Jasper sent calming waves to me and I exhaled. I had to help Bella. I was in my car in an instant. The vision of the new vampire could wait. Bella needed me.


	6. Lightning strikes

_Lightning Strikes_

_Previously _  
_. I felt my heart begin to lighten. I didn't want to cause anyone else anymore pain, I didn't want to drive everyone I loved away from me and I had already done that with Jacob, I couldn't drive anyone else away. I felt better to my surprise, my resolve had made me happier, maybe I wasn't as heartless as I thought I was, maybe I could release Edward and Jasper from my pain, all it took was for me to move on. I could do that for my family. Wow Edward and Alice were right seeing Jasper did help, I expect that Alice had already seen my decision and had already told Edward- who was probably waiting for my call. I pulled up in the drive and got out of the van. Listening to the sound of the birds and rustling of the trees, the rain had eased but the wind howled fiercely and I was eager to get inside to the warmth of my home._

Bella's point of view

BANG.

The noise echoed through my consciousness, and etched itself into my memory, replaying itself over and over again. The silence that followed the noise was deafening and I stumbled quickly to the door. Please, please don't be what I think that was.

I pulled my keys out with trembling fingers, all thoughts of happiness disappearing as I prayed that I had imagined the unforgiveable sound, after dropping the keys twice I managed to shove them into the lock turning them with as much urgency as I could, I heard the snap of the lock and I instantly pushed the door, staggering in leaving the door ajar behind me. I made my way to the living room. Oh no oh no please no, I looked at the blood and one quick glance at my father's lifeless body was enough to tip me over the edge, I couldn't stop myself from shaking as I looked wildly around the room looked anywhere but at the floor, at the blood, at my father. It was almost impossible to make myself stay conscious, but I didn't want to be lost in the darkness of unconsciousness. I had to get out of the house and away from him. My father. I couldn't pass out next to him, the body, the very thought of me staying in the same room as him disgusted me, I remembered his face. Round and wrinkled and alive. I remembered how when he smiled he looked years younger. I remembered how he had held me close and sat with me while I cried over Edward when he had left- even though the sight of tears terrified him. I remembered how when I was little we would take me to the beach and I would fall into the rock pools, how he always pulled me out and end up falling in himself. I remembered him laughing when I fell over or said something embarrassing. The man on the floor wasn't my father anymore, the look on his face was terrifying, his eyes devoid of any emotion other than grief and fear and sadness. This was not my father I told myself, my father would never do this, he would never leave me, the man on the floor may have looked like my father, he may have been wearing my fathers uniform. But he wasn't my father. This man was broken, his heart had vanished, his warm and strong hands had turned cold and weak, his wrinkled face was frozen in sadness and grief, his loving brown eyes were fixed at the wall. This was not my father. I rejected any thoughts that told me that he was gone and like I had with my mother I refused to believe that Charlie wasn't going to laugh again, talk again, smile again. I looked at him one last time, and tried with all my might to tell myself that he wasn't dead, I ignored my stomach which was heaving, I ignored the spinning walls and the pounding in my head and fumbled for the phone in my pocket, dialling the number. My only lifeline left. My only hope.

"Edward." I managed when he picked up after the first ring "I need you to come here please I don't know what to do" I whispered through my shaking lips and rattling teeth.

"What's wrong love" he sounded worried.

"Charlie's dead" I whispered before hanging up and running outside. Out of the house. Away from my father, away from his body. Gasping for breath, anything to clear my head and chase away the images that I was sure to remember for the rest of eternity, willing the cold rain and whistling wind to wash away the fear and crushing sadness- it didn't happen. I felt cold and tired. I felt sad, so terribly sad. I felt guilty because now I was responsible for two people's deaths. I looked down at the phone again and slowly dialled the police station. Telling them the same thing as I had told Edward. I didn't know how to say it. How do you say that your boss, your colleague, your friend Chief Swan had just committed suicide. It was all my fault I should have been there for him. I thought he had moved on, I thought that he was fine and dealing. If only I'd paid a bit more attention, I could have stopped him. He had left me just like Renee and there was no denying this time that I was the one to blame.

I looked up at the sky and I watched the clouds chase each other across the sky, hoping that my mind would stop working, that I wouldn't have to dwell on the fact that I was responsible for the death of my father, my mother, my mothers new husband and another man, a man that I didn't know. A man that had a family; a wife, kids, pets. Five people with futures and lives and hopes and dreams, five people that had been wiped from existence, killed because of me. I was a monster. I couldn't cry- although I wanted to, I couldn't scream at the world for being unfair because it was my fault. I sank to me knees, and slumped to the wet ground. The rain was getting heavier and although I was cold and tired, I didn't care. I couldn't go back inside that house. Not with HIM there. I wanted to be washed away from existence like the people that had died because of me, I wanted Victoria to find me and rip me to pieces, I didn't deserve to live, I was a monster a cruel uncaring monster. I shouldn't be allowed to live. I jerked at the sound of thunder and watched as lightning struck a nearby field, I was awed at its beauty and destructive power, how the bright whitish blue glow looked intimidating and graceful at the same time. I wondered if I could somehow manipulate the lightning so that it could finish me and all the pain that I had caused. First Edward, then Jacob, Renee and Phill and now my father. I wished that for once my bad luck would actually hurt me instead of the people around me. I watched as the lightning struck again in the same area, I marvelled at its shape how something that looked so small could be so devastating. The rain was so heavy now that I could barely see in front of me and the noise made my head hurt, but I didn't move, I didn't have the energy to move, my hair was dripping down my back and I was soaked through I was also shivering but I knew that it was not from the cold. I imagined that I saw a pair of glowing red eyes walking from the forest that I could just about make out through the rain. They vanished as quickly as I thought that I had seen them. I let me head droop and I stared at the concrete driveway, thinking of anything but Charlie. Making sure that I couldn't dwell on anything that had just happened, convincing my mind to cease thinking at least for a little while. I was only human. A cruel monster of a human but a human none the less, it was a pitiful excuse but I didn't think that I could stand any more guilt or memories.

I looked up to find Edward by my side, he wrapped his arms around me as I trembled and willed my mind to stop, I was alone. I needed my father but now he had left just like my mother. Edward whispered soothing noises to me and carefully lifted me with ease into his arms and into his car where he shut the door. I sat on his lap, shaking uncontrollably, whimpering when I remembered the look on my father's face, how he would spend an eternity with his features frozen. Stuck in a lifeless cry of pain. My mind could only comprehend three things: how it was all my fault, how I loved Edward with every part of me. And the last thing that I knew for definite. When sleep did eventually find me it would find me bearing the promise of nightmares. There was no escape.


	7. All your fault

It's All Your Fault

I knew I was dreaming and no matter how hard I tried I couldn't make myself wake, my body was too exhausted and my mind craved sleep from the effort of suppressing memories, I wanted desperately to escape but I knew that it was pointless. I wanted to feel Edwards cool skin, cold and calming, I wanted to open my eyes and look into Edwards because I knew that they would drive the nightmares away, but my lids refused to open and I lacked the energy to keep trying. It was a different dream to my usual ones and I found myself in front of my house the key in the lock and although I tried to cringe away from the doorway and run from the horror that I knew awaited me inside my legs payed no attention and I realised that I had no control in this nightmare. I wanted to scream out loud and run and cry into Edwards arms but my body would not permit it and all I could do was walk in the opposite direction straight into the house. My house. I shuddered, terrified with what I was about to see, surprised when I walked into the living room instead of finding my father I saw that the room was empty, maybe this wasn't a nightmare, I relaxed and then turned around, there stood my father. I tried to scream again but my vocal cords were locked together and I was paralysed by an icy fear that quickly took a hold of me making it impossible to breathe right. I looked at him and I sincerely wished that I hadn't, that I had squeezed my eyes shut but even the thought of closing my eyes while Charlie was there made me shiver. He was covered in blood his own blood which was dripping from the bullet wound in the side of his head, it cascaded over his eyes which didn't move from my face. His warm loving eyes were glowing red; a brilliant crimson that I had come to recognize as a vampires, he was shaking all over his right hand pointing a bloody finger at me. I stared in horror at my hands and found them smeared in blood, his blood. I was holding his gun, the gun that he had used to end his life. I flinched and this time I was able to drop the gun, I found it harder to breathe now and my lungs were screaming in protest but every time I gasped for breathe my head was filled with the scent of rust and salt, it made me feel dizzy and sick and I wanted nothing more than to faint so that I wouldn't have to look at him. I forced myself to look at Charlie and I tried to run away when I saw how close he was to me, he stood half a metre from me and I could see the bullet wound in his head all to clearly.

"It's all your fault Bells" he muttered and when he opened his mouth blood gushed down his chin at an alarming rate. I cried out for him. "'I'm so sorry Dad, there was nothing I could do.-" I pleaded as he took another step closer minimizing the already small space between us. His face then locked into a soundless cry, the same face that was etched into my memory. The look that he had died wearing. "It's all your fault."

I spun around and there was my mum in her car with Phill, it was burning fiercely and the heat from the flames caused me to step away, it was like my first nightmare except the crash had already taken place. Glass lay strewn everywhere lying in wait for the next unsuspecting person, Phill I could see lay motionless, slumped over the drivers seat. Renee was screaming at me , yelling at the top of her lungs "its all YOUR FAULT!!"

I backed away from her and when Phill snapped his head up to give me his accusing glare I turned away. I felt sick. I felt guilty and I felt scared. More scared than I had ever been. It was a mistake to turn around though and I turned straight into Charlie who enveloped me in a hug, soaking me with his blood. I gasped when I felt it and screamed trying to pull away, his blood was cold and slippery against my skin, I choked out when I managed to swallow his blood, and shut my mouth tightly struggling against my father. "its all your fault Bella honey, all your fault" he whispered, and the words no matter how familiar they were still made me shiver, I yet again struggled out of his grip and this time he allowed me to back away, I was sweating from the flames that I could still feel, my teeth were chattering and I was coughing gasping for clean untainted, un bloodied air. I was trembling from their hurtful yet truthful words and I wished that they weren't true. I looked over behind me to see that Renee and Phill had moved to the side, I found myself looking at a small girl, and a boy of about seven, they were holding one another and sobbing but through there sobs I heard the most heart wrenching sound that I could ever hear.

"you killed my daddy, its your fault I haven't got a daddy anymore" they spoke in unison and I crumpled to the ground at there words holding my head in my hands.

"I'm sorry its all my fault and I'm so so sorry" I whispered although I knew that it would do no good. Sorry doesn't make it better. Sorry doesn't change anything. Sorry doesn't bring them back I told myself angrily. But it was the only thing that I could think of to say, it was the only word that I could think of. I couldn't offer comfort and I didn't know what to do. I didn't think that I would be able to take anymore abuse, I was breaking, I wouldn't last much longer. Suddenly there was a buzzing sound and when I looked back up they were all gone and I was outside in the pouring rain, drenched with water, my hair was dripping down my back and for a second I watched the lighting strike a brilliant blue and breathed in fresh air to my aching ribs and oxygen deprived lungs. I heard the buzzing again and I looked down at my hands to find the phone that Edward had given me. I flipped it open and pushed the green answer button. Tentatively I called out.

"Hello?" my voice was shaking and I noticed that the water dripping of me ran red. I glanced down I was still drenched in my fathers blood. I stood up quickly willing myself not to scream. No no I told myself don't scream, if I screamed then they might come back and I couldn't deal with that. Why did my dreams have to hurt so much?

"Bella." I heard down the phone line the most beautiful sound that I ever could have heard, his beautiful velvet voice which called out to me softly, making me feel safe. My only anchor left. My only saviour. Edward. "its all your fault love" I froze and I felt myself break under the pressure. Hot tears fell down my face. I began to run, dropping the phone on the concrete drive. I didn't trip for once and was grateful I needed to put as much distance as I could between myself and the house, my mother, my father, Phill, the children and Edward. I couldn't keep hurting people even in this nightmare I knew that I had to run. It was the only way I could stop hurting people. I ran into the woods and I didn't stop until I slammed into something cold and very solid it was still raining heavily and I could barely see the water was so thick and suffocating. I looked up into a pair of bright glowing crimson eyes.

"Hello Bella" it was a soft deep voice, a voice that I didn't know. Another vampires voice. A vampire that drank human blood. I could no longer restrain myself and as the lightning struck a nearby tree, his fangs were illuminated making me even more terrified I lost the little control that I had. I screamed, a high shriek that I couldn't contain before falling to me knees onto the mossy waterlogged forest floor, I curled myself into a protective ball and prayed. For death.


	8. RUN

RUN!

I woke screaming from the nightmare. Like always except this time it was much worse. I couldn't stop and I felt Edward grip me tightly in his arms and rock me back and forth whispering to me under his breath. It took me a while to stop screaming and that was only because I had run out of breath. I was still shaking and when I looked up at Edward he looked as though he would be crying if he could. I tried to stop myself from shaking but I couldn't, it was beyond my control the most I could do was quieten my hysterics and gulp in air. I found that I was drenched in sweat, my hair was plastered to my face and my night sweats were also drenched. I hugged Edward with all my strength, clinging to him, in fear that I would lose him to, in fear that he would say the frightful words that he had said in my dream, I inhaled his scent, breathing in the smell of Edward until I could managed to stop the trembling.

"I love you Edward" I whispered repeatedly over and over again, these were the only words that I could think, the only words that I could say. I whispered them not only for myself but for him- who knew what he had heard while I had slept and considering his pained expression and my vivid nightmare I could guess that he had gotten a pretty big glimpse into my dream world. Every time I said those words he held me tighter and I could only imagine how much control that It took, he needed to hunt his eyes were already changing from the honey colour to a light black. Although I tried to see if he was struggling, I couldn't find anything in his eyes other than pain, concern and fear I felt a pang of guilt as I realised that he was feeling those emotions because of me. I pulled away and looked at him, closing my eyes trying to think of anything but the nightmare.

"I'm sorry Edward. I'm sorry that you had to see that" I managed although my throat burned from screaming. He pulled me closer to him, and I gladly buried my head in his chest, his scent was the only thing that stopped me from reliving the nightmare and feeling the crushing guilt.

"Bella sshhh don't apologize, I love you so much" his voice broke on the last word and with that I broke inside for the third time that night, he sobbed tearless sobs, and rocked me back and forth, I clutched him tightly and whispered reassuringly into his ear, sometimes I whispered random things like; I've got to do the laundry soon or I'm sorry about the sheets (which were also drenched in sweat) and I'll have to wash them. Sometimes I just whispered his name and I felt a thrill go through me every time that I did and sometimes I just told him how much he meant to me and how much I loved him. How he was my world, how he was my saviour, how his crooked smile always dazzled and confused my thoughts, how that even though he couldn't read my mind he was always on the same page as me. How he was the only person that made me feel truly and utterly safe, how his voice sent my heart into an irregular rhythm and how whenever he touched me my heart skipped a beat. How I loved it when he laughed and teased Emmett or Jasper, how he always cringed when Alice mentioned the SHOPPING word and how he would get me out of playing Barbie Bella. How I couldn't live without him. I wondered what he had heard to make him cry like this. I wondered what had made him cry for me. Guilt and worry filled me but I banished those thoughts away so he couldn't read them from my face, so he couldn't feel even more pain at my expense. I would save those thoughts for later when I was alone. I concentrated fully on Edward, repressing the nightmare and the guilt and sadness and fear, allowing only worry and love to show in my eyes. When he had slowly stopped, I pulled my head back keeping my arms locked in place around his neck so that I could quickly resume the position to comfort him if need be.

"What's wrong Edward?" I dreaded the answer. I hoped that I hadn't pushed him over the edge with my question; I hoped that he would answer me truthfully. He would only lie if he thought that his answer would affect me badly, we both knew it and I hoped that I hadn't caused him so much pain that he would give me an honest answer.

"You were talking in your sleep love, you said that they were all blaming you that you were so so sorry and that you knew that it was your fault. You were pleading with them, telling them you were sorry over and over again but you said they weren't listening. And then you said that I said it was all your fault. You said I'm sorry Edward, I'm a monster. I know that its my fault, and then you started screaming." His voice was a whisper. And I was cut deeply by his words. Oh god he thinks I think that he blames me. Pain ripped through my chest and I was sure that he heard it, I refused to look at him, I couldn't handle his accusation right now it was to much.

"I'm sorry Edward. I'm sorry that I caused you so much pain, I didn't mean to. I love you so much and I know that you don't blame me. The nightmare it was so real though, first Charlie said it and then Renee and then the other lorry drivers children were screaming at me. Then you phoned me and you were saying it to and I guess that it was just my subconscious telling me that everyone blamed me and that you should blame me, but you don't. And then I ran into the woods and there was this other vampire with glowing red eyes and I ran into him and I couldn't take it anymore and so I screamed. " I rambled in hopes that he would pick up something from my gush of words, I heard his intake of breath, I felt his cool fingers stroke my cheeks and lift my face up to his, I complied hoping that he forgave me. He wasn't in pain anymore and I could tell that my rush of words had soothed him, I was about to say something else but he was too close and his black eyes smouldered dazzling me and sending my brain into a frenzy. Suddenly his lips were on mine, they were cool and like always gently moving around mine, his hands had knotted themselves into my hair and I was moulding myself to him unconsciously, I could feel the coldness of his skin and all I could think of was the smoothness of his lips and how perfect he was. I couldn't remember my name like always when he kissed me, I couldn't remember what we were just talking about and for a few minutes I melted into Edwards arms and lost myself in his amazing kiss. And like always the kiss that dissolved my troubles and made me forget everything ended when he had judged that I would need more oxygen and carefully untangled his arms from my hair and pulled away. I sighed as all of the previous events came rushing back to me. Not for the first time I wished that I didn't need oxygen so that I could kiss Edward for as long as I wanted. I scolded myself for allowing myself to forget. Because when he had kissed me I had forgotten that anything was wrong, I had forgotten the reason why I was staying round his house, I had forgotten that my mother and Phill had died only a week ago and Charlie had killed himself, I had forgotten that it was all my fault.

"I'm truly sorry Edward." I muttered to him. praying that he would accept the apology. I couldn't lose him to.

"You have nothing to be sorry about love, and I'm sorry to I should have trusted you" he said at the same volume that I had used. "Do you need a human moment?" he asked when he saw me looking down at my drenched PJ's. I nodded and collected the toiletries from of the desk where Alice had left them ( even when Charlie was gone I hadn't wanted to go back in there and Alice being the wonderful person that she was had gotten me some clothes for me sensing my reluctance to enter the house of horror again). I walked into the bathroom and made sure that I had everything I needed, a quick glance at the clock told me that it was half six in the morning and was a respectable time to be getting up. Placing fresh clothes out on the bathroom dresser I brushed my teeth before climbing into the shower. I hadn't bothered to lock the door knowing that Edward wouldn't approve. I made sure the water was hot before allowing myself to express the emotions that I had hidden from Edward. I felt guilty I had caused Edward pain and that was unacceptable. How could I do that to the love of my existence? How could I be so cruel? I felt sad because more than anything I had just lost my last living relative, my father. I wished that I could have noticed his pain, I wished that I wasn't so selfish.

I felt alone despite Edward being there, I felt cold and empty and alone. I remembered the dream and the reason why I had run, because I wanted to stop hurting people. But I found myself realising that I had run because, I had felt alone, I had felt vulnerable and exposed. I had felt naked. Its human nature to run when scared I thought, human nature to push away those that we loved to protect them and ourselves (I cursed myself for being so selfish, I had to stay I had to be strong for Edward). I sighed at my selfishness, I had been running before Edward left and I still was, it wasn't something that I wanted to do but I couldn't help it, another part of my brain just took over and hid from my emotions whilst the other part had been left to deal with the consequences; the nightmares. Sometimes when we felt exposed when human survival instinct overpowered us and we couldn't hide. Sometimes I thought, thinking deeply about my sudden epiphany all we could do was RUN.


	9. Blame Game

The Blame Game

Edwards point of view- this is when Bella is having her nightmare.

I watched anxiously by the bed side as my angel slept. I could see every raw emotion that she had hidden from me flash across her face, it was the only time now that I got a glimpse of what she was really feeling. Her beautiful sweet smell wafted towards me every time she moved part of me the monster within me, wanted to taste her blood, blood that I knew tasted even better than her scent. Part of me found the smell maddening and suffocating and was worrying constantly about a slip of control, a tiny mistake that would end the life of my love and leave me devastated. But most of my brain found the scent comforting, one quick gulp of the scent was enough to cease my worry and fears. Her smell was however not enough for me to stop worrying about her. I felt the concern rise higher and higher within me every time she moved or mumbled in her sleep, mumbled words that were untruthful, words that she believed in. She tossed again in the king size bed, the heavy duvet tangled around her restricting her movements, I was tempted to pull them away but I didn't want to wake her knowing that if I woke her now then she wouldn't go back to sleep in fear of the nightmares that always awaited her when slumber claimed her. Bella hadn't told me about the nightmares, all she would say when she woke was how sorry she was for screaming and how that it wasn't that bad.

I didn't believe her and it wasn't just because she couldn't lie it was because I knew a little bit more about the nightmares than she thought I did. I never let on to how much I heard when she was asleep because I knew that it would upset her, and she would refuse to sleep. I didn't know the extent of the bad dreams but from the little snapshots that I did get were enough, I knew that she blamed herself because that seemed to be all she said during the dreams other than sorry, I knew that the dreams centred around Renee- I didn't need to be a mind reader to know that- I also knew that she saw the crash. I was horrified that her subconscious would make her endure her mother's death over and over again. This nightmare was different though as I watched her with worried eyes: I could feel my concern and fear escalate again as I focused again on her face and the expression that it held at the moment her beautiful face was twisted into fear and shock and revulsion she coughed several times in her sleep and I yet again wondered what she was dreaming about, it looked like she was choking but neither Charlie nor Renee had died in water.

I was angry at Charlie, every time I thought of what he did what he was doing to Bella I felt the fury flood my veins and it took all my control to hide it from Bella who always saw a bit more than others did when she looked into my eyes, she couldn't lie herself but she was uncannily good at seeing through mine. I was disgusted at Charlie how could he do this to her? His own daughter? The beast within me roared angrily as I thought the name and I had to inhale another gulp full of Bella scented air to calm me. I knew that Bella blamed herself for not being there which was entirely absurd but that was just Bella feeling unnecessary guilt for the most trivial of things but what about me, it was more my fault than Bella's I was the mind reader wasn't I. Shouldn't I have read what he was going to do from his mind? Shouldn't I have seen the pain that he was going through and warned Bella? But whenever I had looked into his mind he has seemed like he was dealing with Renee's death he seemed like he was moving on. I should have realised though I told myself the way he kept thinking about how proud he was of Bella the way he always went to work exceptionally early in the morning to avoid Bella as though he was frightened. Shouldn't I have registered those facts and pieced them together, shouldn't I have figured out how he was really feeling so I could stop him from breaking an already broken Bella.

At the time I had just thought that he was avoiding Bella because he was dealing with his grief, that he thought of how proud he was of his daughter because she was still attending school and getting decent grades even though her mother had died. At the time I was too preoccupied with Bella to delve into the reasons behind Charlie's actions. If I could go back though and change that I didn't think that I would Bella was my only concern my only priority because she wasn't dealing with her pain and still wasn't she was bottling and I was waiting for her to explode, I was watching for a sign any sign that would tell me that she was going to break. It was the look on her face, how she looked empty and it was a look that I had seen before when Alice had showed me a little of what Bella looked like when she returned. A look that I had caused by breaking her heart and leaving her. Something that I was still trying to make up to Bella even though she insisted that it wasn't my fault that I had only left her to protect me and the stupid stunts that she had pulled in my absences were entirely her fault, as long as I loved her she didn't care. As long as I still wanted her, wanted to be with her then she forgave me and I had a strong suspicion that even if I didn't want her then she wouldn't hold me responsible and would find some way to blame herself.

I couldn't be without her though and I was never leaving her ever again, I had seen what damage I had inflicted when I had left through the medium of Alices mind and I couldn't put her though that again. I couldn't put myself through that again I always wanted her and nothing was going to change that. I couldn't lose Bella though and I knew that if she didn't express her emotions soon then I would, it was now my chance to stitch her back together and I couldn't fail not just for me but for everyone else in my family even Rose would be affected if Bella didn't heal. I turned my attention to Bella and realised that she was sweating and shivering at the same time, her hair was plastered to her face and her sweats were drenched in her sweat she let out another moan as she shivered again.

"Im sorry, its all my fault and im so so sorry" she mumbled and a look of self hatred passed over he lovely features. Oh no I thought to myself she still blames herself, worry ripping me to shreds along with unconditional love and panic. She hates herself why cant she see that its not her fault? Why cant she stop hating herself and stop playing the blame game.

"Hello" she whispered again "Edward" I froze. She was dreaming about me was this a good thing or a bad thing. Her next words shredded me completely

"I know Edward its all my fault im the one to blame and I'm sorry Edward, I know im the one to blame and I'm so so sorry" My breathing came in gasps. She's worse than I thought, she thinks that I blame her. She thinks that everyone blames her. I watched her again wondering what I would do when she woke, I yet again had to breath in Bella's natural perfume to calm me, it didn't quite stop the anguish and the fear that began to flutter in my stomach like butterflies. And I was scared and I only cared to admit it when Bella was concerned and that was probably the only time that I felt truly scared. Bella thought that I blamed her which probably meant that she thought that everyone blamed her which was completely untrue and I was afraid of this fact because that meant that she was getting closer to the edge of losing it, she was close to cutting me and everyone else that tried to reach her off. I wished that she wouldn't do this to herself and I wished that she would see the truth like she did when she read the emotions from my eyes.

"I'm always running" she mumbled, this caused hope to rise within me, did this mean that she would finally accept her mother and fathers deaths. I wasn't sure but the thought made me feel better all the same. It was a full minute before she started screaming the first cry occurred when she was still asleep and I waited anxiously knowing that she was close to consciousness. She screamed again and her eyes snapped open, she sat upright and didn't stop screaming I was by her side in an instant instantly encircling my arms around her rocking her back and forth whispering under my breath anything that would soothe her. Sometimes what I said was random like; Alice drove to Olympia and back in her new Porche- Turbo and gotten back before midnight, or how that biology paper was really boring, sometimes I whispered her name over and over again feeling the familiar excitement well within me when I did, sometimes I told her how much she meant to me, how I loved and would never stop loving her and how I would never leave again, and sometimes I told her how I loved it when she blushed, how the sunlight made her look even more beautiful if that was possible, how her hair went red in the sun and how her smile made my dead heart flutter in my chest. How her smell calmed me down and helped to put things in perspective because I would rather fight the Volturri a thousand times than lose her love, or her.

How I couldn't live without her. The screaming was exactly the same except worse and I knew that I had been right about the nightmare and how it was different from the others. The nightmare that my angel had been forced to experience had been worse than I could have ever imagined. I could hear the thoughts of my family downstairs they were currently debating whether they should come and investigate or not. Bella finally stopped screaming- a sound that was the worst kind of torture imaginable to me because it was a sound of pure pain. She slumped in my arms exhausted from the nightmare and the screaming fit and gasped for air. I could see the dark circles under her eyes and another stab of worry ran through me, she was averaging five hours sleep six hours maximum, she would look like a vampire if she hadn't looked so fragile. I greatly disapproved of her sleeping arrangements but as I saw what sleep did to her I didn't want to force her to sleep more. She clung to me as though she was afraid of losing me and I wondered if my own smell had the same effect as hers did on me, another stab of guilt shot through me as I reminded myself that I had cause those abandonment issues.

"I love you Edward" she whispered over and over again her voice hoarse from screaming. I felt my heart somersault every time she said those beautiful words. She loved me. I didn't deserve her.

"I'm sorry Edward I'm sorry that you had to see that" she mumbled again burying her head in my chest as she tried to hide from monsters that I couldn't see and I pulled her even closer so that she rested her head comfortably on my shoulder, I also found my sweater and wrapped that around her to prevent her from getting cold although I was sure that she didn't notice.

"Ssh Bella, don't apologize. I love you so much" I soothed although my voice broke on the last word and I knew that she had heard. Suddenly I allowed the fear and pain to consume me although I didn't really want to show her what I was feeling she didn't need that as well. I sobbed tearless sobs and began to rock us back and forth in an attempt to calm myself, Bella was still on my lap and I rocked her with me. I noticed through my pain that she clutched me tighter and began to whisper reassuringly in my ear just as I had done when she had woken. All I could think about was losing her, my entire consciousness revolved around her pain and how I couldn't let it take her from me how I couldn't lose her. If I lost her I was nothing and my worthless pitiful eternal life would be pointless without my only love. My only reason for existing, my saviour she had saved me from the monster, she had saved me from myself and showed me how the world really looked and the pleasure that It held and missed when I wasn't with her. All I could think of was how much I loved her and how I hated to see her in any kind of pain, how I hated that fact that she was killing herself from the inside out and how I couldn't save her. It was her next whispered words that brought me out of my hysterics.

"I can't live without you Edward, you are my one and only love, and I will love you for eternity" I regained control and relished those words savouring the taste, her head was so close to my nostrils that I couldn't help but smell her scent but I kept the monster at bay. I needed to hunt but I couldn't bring myself to leave her if she knew the extent of the abandonment issues she would never be able to visit other friends or go somewhere without me without feeling guilty and I didn't want that. She practically kicked me out when my brothers wanted to go knowing that the sooner I went to hunt the sooner I got back.

"What's wrong Edward?" she asked and I felt her brace herself for my answer, I sighed to myself I couldn't tell her what I was really feeling but I couldn't lie. I decided to go with a half truth.

"You were talking in your sleep love, you said that they were all blaming you that you were so so sorry and that you knew that it was your fault. You were pleading with them, telling them you were sorry over and over again but you said they weren't listening. And then you said that I said it was all your fault. You said I'm sorry Edward, I'm a monster. I know that its my fault, and then you started screaming". I trailed of reluctant to go into too much detail I could already see the guilt and the self hatred in her eyes. I could practically hear her heart rip to pieces again and I prayed that she would forgive me.

"I'm sorry Edward. I'm sorry that I caused you so much pain, I didn't mean to. I love you so much and I know that you don't blame me. The nightmare it was so real though, first Charlie said it and then Renee and then the other lorry drivers children were screaming at me. Then you phoned me and you were saying it to and I guess that it was just my subconscious telling me that everyone blamed me and that you should blame me, but you don't. And then I ran into the woods and there was this other vampire with glowing red eyes and I ran into him and I couldn't take it anymore and so I screamed." Her words cut me deeply, why was she still blaming herself? But I couldn't be mad at her, I didn't want that and she didn't need that right now, I had already forgiven her when she had first said, there was nothing to forgive. Then her words hit me again "other vampire with glowing eyes" I let in a sharp intake of breath did she know about the other vampire?

Her innocent confused expression gave me my answer and I allowed myself to calm down so she wouldn't guess that something else was wrong. She didn't need to worry about anything else she already worried about the entire town of Forks she didn't need another added to the list. I pulled her face up gently to mine and brushed her cheek lovingly hoping that she could see that I wasn't mad. It looked as though she was about to say something else but she was dazzled by my smouldering eyes, suddenly I placed my lips on hers and wormed my hands into her hair holding her in place, I felt her mould herself to my body, but all I could concentrate on was the warmth of her smooth perfect lips and how soft they were and how gently they moved against my own. Like always when I kissed Bella I couldn't remember my troubles, or what we were talking about, I couldn't remember my name or how to breath although breathing wasn't really necessary for me and for a few minutes we sat in bliss everything forgotten except each other. I knew that she would need oxygen now so I carefully pulled away and chuckled at her pout.

"I'm truly sorry Edward." She mumbled and I could tell that she was sincere. I sighed inwardly there was nothing to be sorry for.

"You have nothing to be sorry about love, and I'm sorry to I should have trusted you" I reassured keeping my voice soft and comforting matching the same volume that she had used. I watched as her eyes passed over soaked clothing and I could make out her flash of horror. "Do you need a human moment?" I asked. I wanted her to be comfortable. I watched as she walked into the bathroom in my room, she shut the door behind her and I pleased to hear that she didn't lock the door an action that I approved of. I heard her turn the shower on an allow the hot water to cleanse her flawless body and I waited while she showered. I wanted so much for her to open up, I knew that she was sometimes close to it. It must be a human thing I thought, no that was wrong it was a Bella thing, she was playing the blame game and in her mind it was all her fault.


	10. Guilt Butterflies

Guilt Butterflies

Bella's point of view – this Is at Charlie's funeral

It had been three days since Charlie had died and today was his funeral, he was to be buried next to my mother and Phill, I didn't think that it was an appropriate final resting place because Renee and my father were divorced and my mother had loved another man; Phill (when they had been alive of course). It had been Alice's idea to bury him there, she had taken care of the funeral arrangements since I didn't have a clue and I was thankful. I didn't think I would be able to contain my guilt, or self hatred. How could I organise Charlie's funeral without shedding a tear? How could I make arrangements when it was all my fault. So I let Alice take over, and although I wasn't happy with some of her decisions I didn't say anything or express an opinion, I didn't want to hurt her feelings. She had tried to encourage me to have a say, but as I didn't really mind and never answered against her own opinion she soon gave in and left me alone. I couldn't help but push them away I didn't want to and it wasn't something that I could control I just didn't want to hurt them.

I still couldn't go anywhere near my house, the house that I had inherited, the house that was the source of my nightmares, so I was currently residing at the Cullen's house. None of the Cullen's had objected to the plan, nobody in the house minded me being there- they already thought of me as part of the family- even Rosalie who I hadn't exactly got along with was willing to let me stay in her home. I hadn't spoken much to any of them I didn't know where to start, what to say, how do you talk to someone when you've killed your own mother and father? I had nightmares every night, and they had gotten worse since Charlie's death, leaving me screaming myself hoarse every morning. With each nightmare Edward would become even more worried, I hadn't heard him laugh in a while, come to think of it I hadn't seen him smile properly since Renee had died and it broke my heart to see him so worried over someone as worthless as me but I didn't know how to comfort him. I needed to get a grip, I needed to stop him worrying.

I needed the nightmares to stop so that I could get more than four hours sleep and be able to do something other than visualise Charlie and Renee over and over again. I needed energy so I could talk and concentrate on what people were asking me. Dark circles were permanently etched on my skin contrasting with my pale skin which had lost all its colour, I didn't blush anymore when Edward touched me, I still loved him, I loved him more and I was terrified of losing him but I didn't know how to talk to him anymore, he looked so worried all the time that I was so afraid of causing more worry I didn't know what to say. Esme cooked me dinner despite my protests telling me it was the least she could do, although I could barely eat anything, whenever I tried I would see Charlie and the way he looked from my nightmares, and Renee screaming at me and they would drive any appetite that I did have away. The food that I managed to eat would burn my throat and sit uncomfortably in my stomach, it wasn't that Esme wasn't good cook- she was very talented at cooking considering she hadn't eaten in over one hundred years. It had something to do with the fact that I was petrified of being sick after a nightmare and I didn't want them to worry even more about me.

Emmett just talked on at me in his comforting deep booming voice and fill the silence whenever we were together, I didn't hear what he said but he seemed happy with my occasional nods so I let him waffle, it made him feel better who was I to take that away from him. Alice was unusually jumpy- not the chirpy, bouncy jumpy but a nervous jumpy that made me think that she wasn't telling me something. She said she was just having odd visions about Jasper but I didn't believe her, Alice didn't usually go jumpy after a vision, and whenever she and Jasper were together she never mentioned anything to him, in fact she looked more comfortable when he was around instead of on edge. I didn't bother interrogating her about it, she would tell me when I needed to know and to be honest I didn't think that I would be able to handle anything else. Carlisle gave me father lectures sometimes when we saw each other, they were short and to the point so even my sleep deprived mind could understand, he said them in a loving way, he thought of me as a daughter, I had saved his son and made him happy, he told me that I needed to eat more and get more sleep, and I knew that he meant well but the fact that he was giving me these talks created guilt butterflies in my stomach and made me feel worse than before. I was sure that Edward had told him of my nightmares, I was sure that he had heard my nightmares so I didn't bother to explain that every time I closed my eyes all I saw was my fathers dead body and the remains of my mother.

I had tried my best to avoid Jasper for his own sake, I didn't want to hurt him with my overwhelming emotions, I didn't want to hurt anyone. They were the only family I had left now and I couldn't lose them as well. Rosalie never spoke a word to me in the time that we spent together and we sat in a comfortable silence. She was the only one out of them all that didn't make me feel more guilt or sadness, she didn't glare at me like she usually did, she didn't smother me with concern, or chatter at me, she just sat with me. Sometimes she read, or listened to music, other times she just sat next to me lost in thoughts that she didn't voice. Rosalie was just there, she didn't demand me to talk with her, she just sat and calmed me with her presence. I loved all of my family of course but I enjoyed the guilt fee hours where I would fantasise that everything was still okay, that my parents never died and I was still happy and ignorant. Edward was like Rosalie except he didn't hide his emotions as well, I could read everything with one quick glance at his face, he cuddled me to him and rubbed my back, we didn't talk and I had a feeling that he didn't know what to say either, he was hiding something from me probably the same something as Alice but I wasn't going to push him for an answer either. I loved all of my family. I couldn't believe that they would love someone as cruel as me but they did and they were all that I had left.

It was cold outside, and unsurprisingly it was raining. I stood next to Edward and Alice with Esme just behind- she had known Charlie a little and had spoken to him many times mainly concerning my sleepovers with "Alice" but I was sure since Esme was such a people person that they had talked more about other interests than the sleepovers. Carlisle was at the hospital- he had asked me whether I minded whether or not he came or not especially as he didn't really know Charlie that well and I had told him that I didn't mind. He had accepted that and given me a quick hug before departing, I hadn't voiced the fact that he should be saving people that could actually be saved instead of saying goodbye to one that couldn't. Emmett and Rosalie had both felt uncomfortable about the funeral and I told them that they didn't need to come- they had seemed grateful and I was happy to help, they hadn't known Charlie and the less of my family there the less would see my breakdown. Jasper of course couldn't attend because of the intense emotions that were sure to cause him pain if he came, I mean if he couldn't be in the same room as me then he didn't stand a chance at the funeral where there would be lots of mourners come to say goodbye to Charlie. Edward held my hand tightly in his own the other was holding a large umbrella over us. I rested my head on his shoulder and squeezed his hand; my fingers entwined with his, I took comfort from the tiny facets that I could feel in his palm, and was yet again glad that he was here with me.

I didn't want to think of what it would be like without him. Alice linked her arm with my other, I was glad that she had come as well and sent her a small grateful smile, she saw it and nodded her head slightly, rubbing the arm that she held soothingly. Esme had placed one of her hands on my shoulder and was gently smoothing the ends of my hair with the other, it made me feel loved and it defiantly helped to soothe the guilt butterflies that I could still feel in my stomach. I should have felt claustrophobic, I should have felt bad and guilty but I didn't I felt safe and comforted. The sadness that I felt over my fathers death was strong along with the guilt, but their actions made me feel slightly better, lighter and warmer. I didn't pay any attention to the ceremony, I was running on autopilot; seeing and hearing but not registering anything. The service was quick and I was sure that part of the reason was the cold weather, but then maybe as I had only been to one other funeral outside this town; my gran's it was supposed to be fast.

It didn't matter to me how long it took, it could have taken four hours and I still wouldn't have noticed because my thoughts were far away, although there was still a large part of me suppressing my feelings. I was thinking about all that had happened in the last year and a half, graduation was coming up, finals as well, I would be turned into vampire if Carlisle agreed that I was ready and honoured his promise. I thought about what I would give up, I didn't have much holding me back now not with the deaths of my parents. I had two anchors left. Edward and his marriage condition, and a certain werewolf that I needed to set free before I became immortal and spent the rest of my existence with Edward. Jacob, I had to apologize to Jacob, I had to let him know that it wasn't his fault, that although I loved him like a brother I had made my choice. I had to tell him how sorry I was that my quick tempered words had hurt him so much. I needed to make my peace with him before I left him forever, I needed him to know that it wasn't an easy choice that I loved him too. I needed to make it right and set him free, to clear my conscience and allow him to clear his own. He deserved to have his say, after all he had done for me I couldn't just leave him without a goodbye. I couldn't leave him without setting him free.

I felt someone stroking my face and I blinked coming back to the present, Edward stood over me, I hadn't even realised that Alice had unhooked her arm and Esme had removed her hands, I looked around to see them getting into the Volvo. I gave Edward a questioning look, he seemed to understand and opened his mouth to explain but was cut of by another shout.

"Bella, Oh Bella, I'm so sorry I mean none of us ever thought that Charlie would do that, my dad said that he seemed to be a bit quieter than usual but he thought he was dealing..." the voice trailed off. I knew that voice and sure enough when I looked up it was exactly the person who I thought it would be. Jacob. He had grown his black hair long again and it fell to his chin in an unruly tangle, his russet skin looked beautiful against the black suit that he was wearing, his warm brown eyes were filled with sadness and were rimmed red I could see the tear tracks on his skin and I felt another wave of guilt. Jacob could cry for my father. I couldn't, I couldn't even cry, he must think that I'm a monster he must never want to see my face again.

"Hi Jake." I mumbled, looking at Edward his face was carefully composed but I could see that it was straining him. I couldn't help but admire his control though, I turned my attention back to Jacob, knowing that I wouldn't get an opportunity to speak with him face to face again. I looked up at him to find him scrutinising my features and I wondered what my face looked like it had been a while since I had thought about my expressions and what could be read from them. I felt Edward wince beside me and I quickly turned my attention back to him giving him a questioning worried look. Immediately he understood and gave a slight shake of his head indicating that he would tell me later. Slightly frustrated I glared back at Jacob wishing that I could read minds and see what he was thinking.

"How have you been Bella?" he asked softly in his deep voice. That's a very good question I thought, how have I been well my mother has died along with her new husband and another unknown man, my father committed suicide and I am now attending his funeral, I'm just peachy. I couldn't stop my vicious thoughts my pent up annoyance and self hatred finding the perfect opportunity to strike, and I was glad that I didn't say the words that would hurt him. I decided to lie, I couldn't tell him how I was really feeling, I couldn't burden him with that just as I couldn't with Edward.

"I'm fine, I guess considering" I answered trying my best to sound sincere though I was sure that he saw through me, he knew me better than I did, he was still my best friend even if he wasn't in the best of moods with me, I realised that I hadn't actually spoken to him since the motorcycle incident; where he had dobbed me in to Charlie. I shuddered when I thought of my father's name and tried desperately to think of something else. It was too late all I could see was the cold and frozen Charlie, all I could hear was the gunshot ringing in my ears over and over deafening me. I needed to get out of here, out of this cemetery, and away from my father who was much to close for comfort. I forced myself to talk to Jake, he was my sun, bright and shining surely he could drive away the clouds of fear and panic, but then I reasoned with myself if Edward couldn't then I didn't think that he would be able to. I was right and I could still feel the fear icy in my stomach along with the guilt butterflies which were getting bigger and bigger and more and more frantic in my stomach.

"How's Billy? How are you" I asked, fighting the urge to run. Edward hugged me closer sensing my panic, I smile internally he was always in sync with me, the fear and guilt eased slightly when I caught his scent. I waited for an answer.

"We're both upset, I mean we thought he was doing so well after he found out that your mum had died, we thought he was getting better. I'm sorry Bella we should have noticed something was up and warned you, kept a sharper eye on him." he answered after a moment of thought. I cut him off,

"don't you dare blame yourself Jake, you couldn't have known he was going to do that it wasn't your responsibility to look after him, tell Billy that it wasn't his fault and that I'm sorry." I said quickly I felt Edward tense slightly at my words, I would have to ask him about that, I shivered involuntarily the wind had gotten stronger and the freezing rain was much harder, the umbrella wasn't much use anymore because of the direction of the rain and I was beginning to feel cold and wet. I heard Jacob sigh and I focused on him.

" Don't you blame yourself either Bells" he said raising his voice so that he could be hear over the howling wind. He looked angry and as though he was going to shake my shoulders, Edward put his arms around me half shielding me from him now that he was angry. " Blame the bloodsucker he's the one that's supposed to be able to read thoughts" he hissed wrinkling his nose when the wind blew Edward smell in his direction. I frowned at him glaring.

"It wasn't Edwards fault. Charlie wasn't thinking about it. I don't blame him, and I don't blame you, its no-ones fault, Charlie chose to kill himself and I don't think that we could have stopped him, vampire or werewolf if he really wanted to" I retorted although there was no anger in my voice. I was lying. There was someone to blame and that person was me, but I didn't say it because then both of them would be angry at me and I didn't think I could handle that. Jake visibly calmed down and his fierce expression softened.

"Your right Bells of course you are." He soothed and I wasn't sure if he meant it or if he was just being sarcastic. I shivered again, as my hair lashed around my face.

"Right love lets get you inside to the warm." Edward spoke for the first time since Jacob had appeared, his voice soft and concerned, but I could see that he was uncomfortable with me being near Jacob, I nodded in agreement as much as I wanted to talk to Jake I was cold and I needed time to prepare what I wanted to say to him, I didn't think that now was really the best time, so I allowed Edward to lead me to the car, before I got in I turned to Jake who stood watching me with a thoughtful expression, although I could see the worry in his eyes even through the rain.

"Bye Jake, don't worry about me" I called waving.

"Bye Bells no promises take care of yourself, remember its not your fault" he yelled back before turning away and disappearing out of view.

I sighed to myself as I got in the car, Edward was already in and cranking up the heating. I thought of his words 'remember it's not your fault' and sighed again as the guilt butterflies began fluttering anxiously in my stomach. No promises.


	11. Open graves

Open Graves

It was the same nightmare like always, and I had just ran into the woods but instead of hitting the vampire with the glowing red eyes, I found myself in a cemetery, it was still raining and the storm clouds hung heavily in the sky making me feel claustrophobic. The sky instead of being its usual dreary grey had turned an inky black, the trees at the edges of the graveyard twisted and turned their claw like branches in the fierce wind, the moon was hidden behind the thick dominant clouds so I couldn't see that far in front of me. I looked down to find myself dressed in my funeral attire which consisted of loose fitting smart black trousers and thick grey jumper, they were stained with blood, my father's blood,. I had learnt now to suppress the screams that rose to my throat when I say it; mainly to stop Edward from worrying so much. I looked at my left hand and sure enough the gun was in my hand, smoking as though it had just been fired, dripping blood. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't drop the weapon, or wipe it away, just like I thought I couldn't wipe away the guilt, my hands would never be free of the blood or the gun. I began to walk, my legs taking charge although I had made no conscious decision to do so, I couldn't stop it the dreams had taught me that much.

I had been pushing away all of my emotions all day, when my conscious mind went to sleep my subconscious decided it was time to show me what I had really been feeling. It wouldn't let me wake until it had finished with me and for the moment I was trapped. Trapped in this horrible twisted nightmare. I managed to catch glimpses of my surroundings when the lightning illuminated my path; the tombstones were crumbling with age, weeds creating a blanket over graves hiding them from view. I shuddered, and tried desperately not to look around me. My feet stopped and I looked down in surprise, oh no oh no, no, no, no. The headstone in front of me was fairly new, and the flowers that had been laid across the grave looked fresh and vibrant. It was Charlie's grave the etchings were still clear and legible even in the terrible light.

The lightning struck again and this time it struck Charlie's grave with an all mighty CRACK I could feel the heat from the flames which had set the flowers alight causing them to burn and wither, when I looked down, I saw Charlie. Or rather Charlie's skeleton, the eye holes were filled with maggots and worms, the stench of rotting flesh was overpowering, he opened his mouth and I screamed trying desperately to run and step away, but weeds had suddenly sprung from the ground and they encircled my legs, entwining together like lovers, making running impossible. Charlie sat up and reached for me, his bony hands clawing their way through the air, I screamed again when I saw the flesh and worms wrapped around his fingers.

"Bella, how could you do this to me, your guilty and its time justice was served" I struggled as he said these words, his voice was croaky and dry, I wondered how he could talk before remembering that I was dreaming. The weeds tightened their grip around my calf's cutting of my circulation before suddenly releasing me, I wasn't expecting this and I fell straight into the coffin-less pit with a yell. Charlie had somehow gotten out of the hole and was standing above me. I tried to sit up but I found that the worms and bugs held my arms and legs in place, I screamed when I felt the fleshy skin on my own. The rain was hitting me directly now, cold and icy drops splattered everywhere on me keeping me from the bliss of unconsciousness.

"Bye bye Bella honey don't worry we won't forget you, we just want you to suffer until you take responsibility for what you've done" his voice was loud, he stepped back leaving me alone. I screamed again and again but no-one came. Lightning flashed a brilliant white sending the dirt back into the grave. I choked on the mud, I hated the feeling on my face. I could feel something crawling up my arm but when I tried to cry out I couldn't- dirt filled my mouth. I couldn't breathe, I was freezing, and I still couldn't move my arms, I still couldn't claw the dirt away. It was so heavy on me and I realised that I had been buried alive. My lungs were heaving, and the last thing that I saw in my mind were a pair of glowing red eyes standing above me before the blackness consumed me.

I woke and this time I couldn't stop screaming, even when Edward soothed me and rubbed circles on my back, I couldn't seem to get enough air in my lungs to tell him what had happened, I couldn't see his face, all I could see was the grave, all I could feel was the dirt upon my skin. I was sweating and the sheets were wrapped around my legs restraining me, preventing any movement. I sat bolt upright with Edwards arms around me, cold just like the rain had been. I calmed myself down and eventually I stopped screaming, not before my voice had become hoarse.

"Im sorry Edward" I whispered. Clinging onto his arms, I wouldn't let him go, couldn't let him go, I needed him. I gasped for breath, inhaled his scent he sat with his arms around me humming his lullaby to me, he buried his face in my hair.

"Tell me what you dream about love maybe I can help" he finally said, his voice rough with concern, I looked up into his eyes and saw a firm determination in them. He wasn't going to let this drop and no matter how much I argued he wasn't going to let me off. Damn silly, overprotective, worrying vampire I thought. I could feel the guilt rising as I took in his concerned face, he looked more pained and panicked than I had ever seen him. I couldn't tell him though, just because he couldn't sleep didn't mean he didn't have nightmares, he would just have them when his mind wandered or he relaxed I wouldn't burden him with my nightmares. They would stop soon or at least I hoped they would stop soon, I wasn't getting much sleep I was physically tired but my mind didn't get a chance rest it was constantly on the go because of these nightmares it had been nearly two weeks since I had gotten a decent night's sleep. Even before my mother's death I hadn't been sleeping well, I still had the abandonment nightmares so in truth I hadn't had gotten a good night's sleep in over three weeks. I knew that if I didn't get sleep soon I would become sick and ill and then Edward would become even more worried.

"I don't want to talk about it please Edward I really don't want to talk about my nightmares right now" I tried not looking at his face knowing that if I did his eyes would make me lose my train of thought and I would in-avertedly speak the truth. I wasn't lying though when I said I didn't want to talk about it, I didn't want to remember the mud on my face or feeling so confined in the tiny grave, I didn't want to think about the choking fear that I had felt I had only ever felt that afraid once and that was when Edward was trying to kill himself. I didn't want to remember the freezing rain or the suffocating earth, I didn't want to remember how I couldn't breathe or how Charlie had been a half degraded corpse. I didn't want to think about the guilt. If I told him he would become angry and I would lose him to I didn't think that I could lose anyone else. I couldn't lose Edward I had already been through that once and every time he had gone hunting I didn't want to go through that again. I knew that he would have to go hunting soon his eyes were becoming a deep black colour, but I wasn't ready for him to leave just yet.

"Bella loves please tell me" his cold fingers forced my chin up and I was subjected to his smouldering eyes. I looked into his beautiful face which was paler than ever if that was possible and filled with worry and despair. His lips were pulled into a pleading expression as well as portraying his concern. I noticed that he had changed his clothes as my eyes roamed over his muscular chest; his hair was smoother than it had been. I looked away gripping his hands in my own, he still had his arms around me and I relaxed from my tense position and leaned into his embrace. The coldness I could feel through his skin didn't frighten me anymore and his scent drove away the stench of rotting flesh. I looked down at my own hands they felt heavy as though the gun was still stuck in place, I looked down at my palms and I could still see the blood which had tainted my skin. I was guilty but no-one could see it. I sighed and looked back up to my own personal miracle,

"I don't want to talk about it Edward" I tried again my voice ringing with finality although I spoke barely above a whisper. I felt his long fingers brush against my cheek, as he pulled me even closer. My brain began to spin his eyes were much to close, his scent stunned me as I fought to remember why I didn't want to tell him. Oh yeah that was it, hurt his feelings. Him mad. Him leaving. Him too worried, something, something. NO I can't tell him my thoughts were jumbled but they were getting more coherent, I was still looking into his eyes and with as much effort as I could muster I pulled my gaze away, trying to regain my normal breathing rhythm.

"Please Bella. Tell me" Edward said seductively he had moved further away so I could think clearly. He was trying to dazzle me into telling, it nearly worked. Anger blossomed inside of me, I said no I thought, how could he still try when I had told him that I didn't want to talk about them, he shouldn't take advantage. A small part of my brain reasoned that I was just tired and I was getting angry over something that I wouldn't normally get angry over, but I had been suppressing my emotions for so long. I couldn't stop the anger if I tried then everything would come flooding out.

"I SAID I DIDN'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT" I yelled angrily at him standing up and glaring at him. I could see that he was surprised. I instantly felt guilty for yelling and letting my temper get the best of me. "I'm sorry" I said at a more reasonable level sighing as I did so. "I'm just not ready to tell you yet Edward, I'm sorry I yelled" I whispered, looking at my feet, praying that he would. He was in front of me before I could finish his arms wrapped around my waist pulling me into a hug.

"Its okay, I shouldn't have pushed it, I'm glad that your reacting though, I haven't seen you turn that colour for a long time love." He whispered in my ear.

I looked up at the clock it was five o clock in the morning, I knew that I wouldn't be able to get to sleep now and Edward had insisted that I take a week off school. Sighing again- that was all I seemed to do lately- I looked at out of the window the sun was just beginning to rise but the light it gave was very weak. When I looked toward the woods I didn't tell Edward encase he thought I was crazy but I could swear that I saw a pair of glowing eyes. Sometimes I wished that I didn't have such an overactive imagination.


	12. I'm coming

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please review now i dont have any!!

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I'm coming

Bella's point of view

Edward was out hunting and I was alone in the Cullen household of course I was staying with Alice and Esme who had decided that they would appoint themselves as my chaperone I didn't mind, I didn't want them to worry and if it made Edward feel better then I wasn't going to protest- I was already putting him through so much he didn't need to worry about anything else. I felt empty without Edward and the old abandonment issues had coming flooding through the brave face that I had put on for Edward, I could feel the worry and despair seeping through my blood making it hard to breathe. There was a small voice in the back of my head- a nasty vindictive sneer that told me how worthless I was and how he wasn't coming back to me. I tried my best to ignore it and focused solely on the view from Edwards window. I sat on the bed where Alice had left me, she had begged me to allow her to play Barbie Bella but I had told her that I wasn't in the mood- which was completely true, I needed time to think about my guilt and the pain I was causing I needed time to think about Edward. I felt immensely guilty when ever I looked at him, he tried to hide his pain but I could read the emotions through his eyes and I knew that I was reading them right. Every time I looked at his perfectly sculpted face I could see the suffering that I was causing, I wanted so desperately to wipe away the sadness that lay locked onto his face but I couldn't, because the only way to do that was for me to admit that it was all my fault. But I couldn't let him see me as the coward I truly was, he would leave me for sure if he did, so I carried on hiding the guilt and because of this he carried on hurting.

The nightmares were getting worse, everyone in the house could tell that, these I was sure also concerned Edward not only that they had progressed into further horror. Instead of my death it contained more distressing scenes. It was simple yet it scared me to the bone. It contained only two people myself and Edward, I was holding a gun to my throat intending to shoot myself my finger twitching restlessly on the trigger a terrified Edward kneeling on the floor begging me to stop to consumed by grief to take the gun from my grasp. We were in my living room the walls were splattered with blood. Charlie's blood but surprisingly he wasn't there to torment me further, part of me wondered whether this was because he had grown bored with my pain and guilt. I held the gun with shaking finger's, which were also covered in Charlie's blood. I would look down at my left hand and see a yellow note in my hand addressed to me in scruffy writing, I would open the note without taking my eyes of Edwards crumpled face, but no matter how hard it tried I couldn't drop the gun, I couldn't run to him and tell him that I didn't want to die and I couldn't open my arms and wrap them around his neck and kiss his perfect lips until he was sure that I was never going to leave him ever again. I could barely breathe and a small voice at the back my head theorised that I was reliving my fathers last moment. I wouldn't read the note, instead I would angle the gun at Edward and shoot him directly in the middle of his smooth forehead. I had no control over the motion no matter how hard I tried to scream or yell or drop the gun I couldn't it stayed glued to my palms, my finger stuck tensely on the trigger with a force that I couldn't overcome. I would run to him where he had fallen telling myself that the bullet wouldn't have affected him, that he was a vampire who couldn't be pierced with our weapons. My hopes were wrong it seemed that in the nightmare world vampires could die.

I would kneel beside his cold body, clutching his hand with a death like grip watching his eyes to see whether I could save him. There was never a flicker of life in them my guilt would go into spiral mode until it would overcome me and I was forced to look away from his body. _Edwards body._ When I would look back the scene had changed and instead of Edward I would see Charlie laying twisted on the floor, the gun would have left my hand and would be lying in his right, he would look sad and his mouth would be twisted into a cry of pain or mercy. Then I would realise that I was still clutching the note and I would open it with trembling fingers, I couldn't stop myself or cringe away like I normally would have, I couldn't run from the room like I had that day. It was like I was a puppet without control or choice, like someone or some part of my subconscious was pulling my strings.

The smell of blood would make me dizzy so at first when I opened the note the words were blurred but eventually the words would clear into readable letters written in what I recognized as Charlie's hand writing.

_Bella _

_Im coming_

That would be all I got to read before I woke up screaming worse than ever, I was glad that vampires needed sleep it was nice to know that I wasn't keeping anyone awake. The nightmare was so bad that even Edward could not console me. It would take me ten minutes to regain my breathing and regain control. I sighed again of the memory knowing that the dreams were probably going to continue tonight. Deep down I was terrified I couldn't even begin to imagine the pain of losing Edward. The thought made me shiver and shake, stop it I scolded myself he'll be back soon you cant let him see you like this, you cant hurt him like that, he'll never go hunting again. I managed to breathe evenly but my mind kept dwelling back to a dead Edward forever gone from my reach. I would never see him even when I died because I was sure that a monster like me didn't get in to heaven. The pain ripped through my chest like a chainsaw when I thought of never seeing Edward again. It took my breath away and I could feel my blood run cold unconsciously my arms snaked around my sides hugging myself to stay in one piece, I looked around for a distraction anything I told myself to prevent the cold unwanted fear and despair. My gaze fell to the window and I jumped up instantly and leapt nearer so I could see better.

Two minutes later both Alice and Esme were at my side, Alice staring in shock at the window, Esme wrapping her arms around my shoulders comfortingly. It was all my fault, I killed Charlie, I killed Renee and Phill, I killed the lorry driver and now I was killing Edward I felt myself being led away from the window but I was still to stunned to notice who was leading me and where I was going. My mind was frozen the image of the window and its view shining clearly although I was sure that I had looked away. The flames rich and high, I could feel the warmth of the fire even from the house, smell the thick black smoke. Words, words had been spelled onto the Cullen's lawn, written in fire, words that repeated themselves over and over again in my brain. When I looked down numbly at my left hand I noticed that it was clutching something, I couldn't hear my sharp intake of breath though I was sure to have made one, I tried to unlock my fingers and dislodge the note from my grasp but instead I found myself opening it. I already knew what it would say, like the lawn. The words would be exactly the same except for the 

face they weren't written in fire. By blood froze the neat squiggles were written in blood, spelling out my worst fears. My fear escalated along with the guilt. Everyone I loved would get hurt. Alice, Esme, the entire Cullen family. Edward would suffer the most. The love of my existence. I was only able to comprehend what the threat meant. Edward would get hurt, Edward would die, I couldn't let that happen. I wouldn't let that happen. Echoes of the words whispered to me;

Im coming...


	13. Fire threats

Fire threats

Edwards point of view

I had been putting off this moment for a lifetime and I knew that could prevent it no longer, I was in a desperate state and if I didn't hunt quickly I was sure to be overcome with my thirst. Although I could put up with Bella's blood I was still a danger to her and I just couldn't risk her safety. So when Emmet, Jasper and Carlisle had said that they were going hunting Bella had told me to go. So grudgingly I complied because I knew that if I didn't something stupid would happen, but I was terrified, I could feel the coldness begin to seep through my heart and my arms longed to feel the warmth and softness of Bella. I should be with her right now, she needed me more than ever. I couldn't begin to contemplate the pain she was in, I had only truly got a glimpse of her emotions when I asked Jasper to help her, and even then diluted as they were they painfully strong and self diminishing. Her sadness was exceptional but her guilt heavily outweighed it, it was so crushing and so destructive all I had wanted to do when I felt that was to curl up and hide away from the world. I hated being away from her, every minute was agony and it was all I could do to restrain myself from running straight back to her and holding her in my empty arms. I was sure that she would leave me and although she assured me I was all she wanted I still harboured the secret fear that she would leave me and I would spend eternity without her.

She had told me that I wasn't a monster, and sometimes I believed that, when I was with her I felt human. Every time Bella kissed me I would react like any other red blooded human although I exerted more control than most. But her lips would be like fire upon my own and the taste would stay on my tongue hours after the kiss, her scent would cling to me and fill my nostrils when she locked her arms behind my neck. Although I did not need to breathe after every kiss I would emerge breathless, but when I was away I felt like what I truly was a cold heartless rock. I sighed again and focused on what I was going to do when I got back, I had left Esme and Alice in charge but I only intended to be away for a few hours and I would definitely be back before nightfall I had to stay with Bella and hold her when she had finished dreaming. The dreams I had noticed were getting worse she would have two or three in the same night and wake screaming her lungs out until she has to pause for breath, nothing I could do would calm her and I would sit while she clung to me telling me how she would never leave me and how I had to stay with her forever. I tried to hide my worry and concern but I knew that I wasn't doing a very good job, she could read my emotions through my eyes just as I could read hers through her face.

Carlisle had told me that she needed more sleep than she was getting, and I knew that he was right but I didn't have the heart to tell her to go back to sleep after the nightmares that seemed to cause her so much pain. It was painful watching her like that and I missed the days where she would talk about unimportant things in her sleep like how much it rained or how her truck needed fixing. Trivial normal ramblings. I hated how every word that fell from her perfect lips sounded like she was enduring torture and I hated how she wouldn't tell me about them afterwards. I knew she was protecting me, because she thought that I wouldn't like the nightmares and I knew that I wouldn't but who would? I knew she felt immensely guilty and I knew that it was partly my fault, I was hurting for her and she thought that she was the cause in actual fact it was my fault for not being able to fix that- but I knew she would never listen to me.

I would have to get her to tell me about the nightmares if she told me then maybe they would stop, maybe she could learn to realise that it wasn't her fault and begin to move on with her life. It angered me when she said she was sorry, sorry for everything and when she did all I wanted to do was to tell her how silly she could be and how none of this was her fault but being the stubborn person that she was I knew she would never listen. In fact the entire family was suffering Esme- who wanted nothing more that to comfort Bella but she had no idea how, she already regarded Bella as a daughter and I could tell she just wanted to reach out and soothe Bella, she was worried we all were. Jasper couldn't be in the same room as Bella her feelings were so immense and painful and if a vampire couldn't deal with the feelings then it was a wonder that someone so fragile as Bella could. She was strong when she wanted to be and I knew that she would be when she realised that this wasn't her fault but at the moment she was very breakable just one tip and she would be crushed. Forever and she wouldn't be able to put herself back together again.

I sighed again to myself wishing that I could hold Bella in my arms and see her smile it had been such a long time since I had seen her beautiful face being lit by a broad happy smile. I yearned to hear her laugh- it would be like music to my ears. At the very least I wanted to hear her voice undamaged by screaming. I shook my head and focused on hunting, knowing that the sooner I found my prey the sooner I would be able to hold Bella in my arms.

I began to walk briskly into the woods before quickly changing my pace to a slow run ( well slow for vampires) I let go of myself and I felt the familiar tingle or adrenaline rush through my blood as the Edward part of me faded to the back of my mind. I closed my eyes enjoying the smells of the forest which began to make themselves even sharper now I was losing control. I felt the smallest of smiles creep onto my lips and I inhaled again and this time when I did so I knew where Carlisle, Jasper and Emmet were. I knew where I could find my prey. I inhaled and opened my eyes; the scent of grass and leaves was the strongest scent but slowly I managed to fade that into the back ground so it became nothing more than a distant hum.

The next scent that my nostrils detected was the sharp scent of pollen and flowers but since there weren't too many plants around hear this was easier and took less time to fade away. I picked up the scent of Jasmine and Rosemary but soon these too were nothing but back ground information. I picked up the scent of hikers but I could tell by how stale the scent smelt that they had visited a few days before, their scent didn't smell appealing to me, both of them smelt of a mixture of pollen, grass and a strange limey scent which was not at all appetizing. Then I smelt what I was looking for, it was subtle because my prey was quite a distant from here but I could pick up the traces of fresh blood. The musky delicate wet fur stench that could only be of deer and their young. Good they would do. I unfroze in a matter of milliseconds allowing the scent to take me to my prey. I sped faster and faster until I was sure that I had found them. I was correct. I softened my tread but I allowed my presence to become known and the monster within allowed a small shiver of pleasure as I read the fear in their eyes. I gave myself completely to the monster and I allowed myself to growl low and menacing causing the deer to scatter and tremble in fear. I anticipated this and luxuriated in the wild raging terror that I could recognize even in animals. I snarled again louder this time making the ground rumble. The herd of deer which had been previously grazing realised their fate and in a desperate attempt they ran, the monster gave them a 

twenty second head start knowing that their slow run wouldn't be a match for my speed or grace. I was the predator and I had the advantage.

The creature within leapt forward like a bullet from a gun drowning out the sound of the birds and the wind, allowing the sound of the bugs and the slowworms to become quiet and focusing on the movement of the leaves and how the deer's hooves clonked dangerous and wild on the sodden earth. I ran caught in the chase, leaping over stones and fallen trees bounding until I found the herd running still wild and frightened. I could smell the stench of fear and sweat that drenched the animals flanks, the blood that pulsed so strongly through the animals veins, the exertion making them smell all the more delicious, the venom began to burn in my throat and in one bound I was in front of my prey, sinking my teeth into its jugular- like a big cat. I felt the venom leaving my throat as I drank greedily, I loved the scent of its fur- warm and wet, loving and I knew that it was a female deer that I had caught. The blood was hot and sticky from the exertion of escape, and I relished the heat and how it warmed me, and I luxuriated in the feeling of refreshment that I found from eating after a long period. Just like when a dehydrated human drank water I thought and I smiled slightly at the analogy thinking sarcastically about the huge differences.

I could feel the deer's life beginning to ebb away, her blood no longer held no fight and her legs had given as I killed her she didn't try to run from my grasp or struggle and she fell limply to the soil at my feet. I took my fill knowing that I had 'eaten' enough to last me at best five weeks. I didn't want to see her suffer any longer and although she would die quickly my venom had been inserted into her blood stream and I didn't want her to suffer more than necessary. As I regained control again now the beast had quenched its thirst I carefully yet swiftly raised my arms to her neck and placed my hands around it. I looked into her weak eyes which were beginning to glaze and I smiled a smile of sadness I thought I could see a flicker or understanding, then I snapped her neck gently laying the female deer down. I shook my head and although I felt sorry for the deer it was much better than a human, I shouldn't exist they have no defences against animals like us. I felt better though, immensely better and although the hunt was not taxing I still felt my thirst recede until it was barely a whisper. I took full control of my senses now and I waited patiently for my sense of smell, hearing and eyesight to become blunt.

Every sense except my sense of smell disappeared and I wondered why, it wasn't a conscious decision and then I realised why. I had been so distracted with the smell of the deer and my surroundings that I had completely missed the thick and heavy smell of smoke. I burned my long dead lungs, smothering all scents. Then something else touched my nose a familiar scent but something that was so faint I could barely smell it. Something that I couldn't recognise but something that the beast inside me could. It smelled light and floral yet it was innocent and sweet, something that made my mouth water. But then when I allowed the scent to lessen and regained my normal sense of smell it smelled similar to what I was sure _I _smelled like. A vampires scent- I realised the pieces slowly clicking into place, I began to comprehend something else I could also smell rotting flesh. That could only mean one thing. A new born. Turning I followed my nose a growl sounding low in my chest making my entire frame shake. I caught the glimpse of him. Fear exploded within me because this half of the woods would make our position exceptionally close to Bella, then anger began to take a hold no he would not get to Bella.

Slowly I began to broaden my mind and tried to read his, I was close surely I would get something, I could smell him couldn't I – faintly but this had to work I had to get something, he must think. Nothing. I came across a barrier exceptionally similar to Bella's except instead of just keeping me out it threw me back into my mind with a force that made me stumble backwards, I clutched my head in agony but there were no more assaults. I was running already following the faint trail before my brain had told me to making sure that I didn't automatically try to read his thoughts, I couldn't stop now not while I was so close and then I would be able to focus everything on Bella instead of worrying about a newborn. Then I realised where we were headed, I lost his scent completely and I slowed to a walk confused and agitated. I walked through the last stretch of trees and found myself in my own back garden, then I realised why I had lost the faint scent of the vampire it had been shrouded my the heavy suffocating smell of smoke and I watched the flames licking the petrol which had been placed in certain places then I saw that the flames made letters, I instantly held my breath to stop the acid stench of the smoke and focused on depicting the fire. I didn't need to, I snapped my head up to the window where a terrified looking Bella stood, next to her a shocked Esme and beside her and even more surprised Alice. I focused to hear her thoughts knowing that I would find the answer to the flames in her head.

I withdrew sharply when I heard the meaning and I quickly looked again at Bella's face I could read her guilt even from hear and then I saw he begin to shake, her small frame trembling violently I wished that I could run to her and comfort her but I knew that I would have to do something first. I crouched down so I was nearer the ground and tried to catch the scent of the newborn and find some clue to his whereabouts. I cursed silently under my breath, the smoke had destroyed all trace of the vampire, inside I was terrified my family could be in danger, the love of my life could be in danger. I began to hiss in frustration and anger I couldn't lose her. I could not live without her. I would not live without her because he was coming and I had a sinking, bone chilling, horrified feeling that he was coming for Bella. I silently listened to the cackle of the flames watching the dancing oranges and reds trying desperately to think of a solution. The wind blew again and this time I froze locked in anger and terror.

"I'm coming" it whispered merciless and cruel, I tried to move my legs and will them to move and find the newborn so I could shred him into a thousand pieces. I wanted to tear him apart and make him suffer for daring to threaten my family's safety. _Bella's _safety.

"For Bella".


	14. Nightmare House

REVIEW or i'll kill Bella or Edward- nah just kidding- or am i !! ive tried pleading and that doesnt work so now im going to black mail i want review or no more updates for millions of years!! g2g stories to write people to blackmail, but review or ill ... do something!! review it doesnt cost you anything comon pleaseeeeeeee!!

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Bella's point of view

Nightmare house

I sat watching my shaking fingers next to Edward in his Volvo, I could feel the fear and despair begin to take a hold of my blood, already my heart seemed to be beating much to fast and my breathing was coming in short ragged gasps. I fought for control of my body, willing myself to get a grip. I was fighting a losing battle, in my mind all I could see was the house even when I closed my eyes I could see it the image imprinted on my eyelids. It used to be a comfort – to be able to see my old home, when I first moved here I loved the fact that I could remember that there were thirteen cracks in wall, I liked knowing that three roof tiles were missing. It meant that I knew where I was, that I was safe and comforted. The feeling of safeness had evaporated when Renee had died it had felt cold and distant that feeling that image had worsened since Charlie had died. It wasn't my home. It was the nightmare house. It didn't feel safe at all it was worse than cold- it was sinister and unforgiving. It was terrifying, it was like the house was blaming me for Charlie's death. Slowly and forcefully I lifted my head so I could see the nightmare house it was hard to make out through the pounding rain but I could just about see the outline of the roof and if I strained my eyes I could see the empty spaces where the tiles were supposed to be. It looked innocent now. Untainted but I knew that it would change as soon as I opened the front door everything would change, just like in my nightmares.

I felt Edwards cool hand on my cheek stroking my face, I turned my face so I could see him. I concentrated on his perfect features, his bright stress-filled golden eyes, his flawless lips that I yearned to kiss. I leaned in to him my breathing becoming more and more regular with every gulp of the Edward scented air. My mind was slowly functioning again and my hands had finally stopped shaking, carefully he pulled me onto his lap without breaking my gaze and began to rock me back and forward around the steering wheel. His hands rubbed soothing circles on my back as we waited patiently for my heart rate to show.

"You don't have to do this love" he whispered in my hear as I clung to him with all the strength I could muster, despite my current fear his voice- velvet and soft- still calmed me. He loved me. I was hurting him, it wasn't right and I wished I could stop but I couldn't. I had to do this. I knew I had to enter the nightmare house, maybe then the nightmare would end, maybe then I could stop hurting Edward. I took another deep breath hoping that I could keep my voice level.

"I have to do this Edward" I managed after several deep breaths. I felt his hands tighten protectively around me. I already knew the answer he would give he would try and talk me out of it. I had explained several times that I had to go back home, and he understood that, he knew that this was something I had to do. Yet he still tried to stop me probably knowing that this was going to rip me apart, knowing that I probably couldn't handle this. I sighed, overprotective vampire, the true fact was I wanted to rip myself up at least then I would feel pain and at least then I could be distracted from the guilt. Half of me felt bad because if I did this then Edward would share my pain, something I was desperately trying to avoid. The other half felt terrified- I was going to face my nightmare. I was going into that house, the 

house where my father died, the place where I had killed my father. Maybe not literally but I was responsible for his death and nothing that anyone could say would convince me otherwise.

"Bella" he sighed and carefully opened the door, stepping out with me cradled protectively into his hard chest. We were soaked in less than thirty seconds and I could already feel the cold seeping through my jeans chilling my legs. Thankfully I was wearing a raincoat and although the water slid of the nylon, it lashed against my face until I had lost all feeling. I didn't even notice that Edward was standing under the porch until I felt my feet hit the ground. I stood up shakily blinking the rain out of my eyes, we stood for what seemed like an age under the porch, I practised my breathing, in. Out. In. Out. I forced myself to gain control, stilling my suddenly shaking hands. Carefully I took Edwards hand in my own gripping it tightly, I felt his fingers gently entwine with my own, squeezing my hand until I could think clearly.

I pushed my hands against the door knowing already that Edward had unlocked it, I felt the coarse wood under the soft skin of my hands, I ran my fingers over the grain, I studied Edward's reflection in the chipping paint, I counted the cracks around the door- despite the fact that I already knew the answer- still thirteen, nothing had changed. Nothing on the outside anyway. I pushed the door back and stepped through the porch into our familiar little hallway. Photos that had once hung on the walls had been taken down so the walls were bare, I noticed that the lampshades had been taken, leaving the bulb naked and exposed. I took another hesitant step in wards, Edward stood behind me because the hall was too small his hands on my shoulders. My trainers squeaked on the hard wood floor and we left a dripping trail of water behind us. We were walking into the belly of the beast, like with Hansel and Gretel we were leaving a lifeline behind us. I snorted at the thought there were no evil grannies that tried to eat you here- stories weren't terrifying not really. Fairytales were something that you laughed at, sure you could get a little scared, but stories weren't real. You could just stop reading them. I couldn't just stop with this. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't wake up, this story was real.

There were no evil old ladies with huge ovens that ate children, just memories, unforgiving memories that left me stripped of all my defences. i carried on walking not entirely sure where my feet were taking me and faithfully my saviour followed. It was only when I heard an intake of breath did I realise where we were. The living room. The place where I had stumbled across Charlie's body, the worse room that I could have entered. I looked down and sure enough the blood stain was still there in the cream coloured carpet, the walls were still splattered with blood. I staggered back, willing myself not to faint, pain ripped through my chest until I found it hard to breathe, I felt Edwards hands holding me upright, but I could hear the anger and the growling in his chest. Because there wasn't just blood on the wall. It was a message something I was expecting yet I found myself unable to deal with it, Edward wrapped his arm around me and I could see the fear in his eyes, fear that I was sure mimicked my own, Edward couldn't get hurt, I wouldn't let him, for once just this once I my bad luck was going to focus on me.

No-one else could suffer and it looked like I was finally going to end Edwards pain. I felt the rain on my face and distantly I heard a door slam although I wasn't paying attention. I stared at the window of the house and though the heating was up full blast I had never felt colder. I heard the snap of my seatbelt, but I didn't look down I was too busy trying to look through the window and see the words which would heal Edward, finally he would be rid of filth like me.

Times up- a single short message, but I had already accepted my fate.

And just for a split second I thought I saw a silhouette of Charlie in the window and I knew that he approved. Justice was going to be served.

I was going to die and soon.

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Review hugs and kisses!!


	15. Punishments

hi i know this chapter is short but i thought i should end it on a creepy cliffy thingy and i want more reviews so u will have to suffer until i get at least seven reviews. is this blackmailing working?? i think its an okay chapter but hopefully the next ones will be better! r+r please ill update faster if u review more hint hint!!

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Punishment

Bella's point of view

I had skipped school. I couldn't believe how stupid I was. It wasn't the skipping school part that bothered me it was the fact that my calm facade was probably now either completely destroyed or seriously dented. It was the fact that I was causing more worry to my family, to Edward. I hadn't told him where I was going and I was sure that Alice hadn't "Seen" me going there because it wasn't a conscious decision, I had just found myself here. I knew that I was missing class, I didn't care I didn't think I was going to make it to graduation not with another homicidal sadistic vampire after me.

I watched my hands and how the sunlight glinted of the crescent scar- a souvenir I had received from the last vampire psychopath, I was instantly reminded of Edward and the first time I had seen him in the sunlight. So glorious, magnificent I felt the guilt rise again as I thought of how much pain I was putting him through and how worried he probably was, I sighed in aspiration I wished for once that I could switch my brain off to drift away for a few hours without care, or responsibility without feeling. I was only human after all. I had changed my view of the world, I wasn't the animal or uncaring beast like I thought I was, I was a monster of a human. An abomination. Animals I had reasoned never killed for no reason, or hurt those around them intentionally, they protected their own kind. There weren't any rules in the animal kingdom, animals are what they are, animals, they don't kill unless they are hungry. Nothing goes to waste. Humans were different humans killed, not because they needed to, not because it was necessary for their survival but because they wanted revenge, or satisfaction, because they were driven to it. Humans were so much worse than animals we reasoned our actions we justified the killing. We judged the innocent as well as the guilty. Humans granted mercy to the guilty as well as the innocent. But I wasn't just human I was the worst human of my kind, I had killed my own parents, driven them to their deaths. I was an abomination. It was all my fault- my dreams had told me that much. How could Edward want me, a monster, a human. So easily manipulated and swayed he had once told me that he was the monster, he was dangerous but for once he was wrong.

It was me. I was the dangerous one, I was the human, he was dangerous when he wanted to be, but being human meant that I was deadly. I was hurting everyone around me by being _human._ I wished that I could see his smile before I died, I wanted to hear him laugh and see his beautiful face light up with happiness making him look all the more breathtaking. I wanted to kiss his lips before I would have to face an eternity without him, but I knew that would be greedy, even so I wanted nothing more to melt into his arms and taste his marble lips, relish in the coolness and how they always moved so gently with my own, how his breath would make me dizzy, how one kiss could make me forget my existence. I needed to feel that one last time before I would lose him forever. Before the consequences of my actions caught up with me and I was punished for my crimes.

I tore my gaze from my scar and looked up at the blue sky noticing how low the sun was in the sky, soon when the last of the sunlight was gone Edward would be here and I would once again have to guard my expression and hide the thoughts he could so easily read from my eyes. I looked down at the grave in front of me, Charlie's grave, it was so new that it hadn't had a chance to be weathered properly and had 

been neglected by the weeds and overgrown grass that had claimed the other- older tombs. The neat writing was legible and you could see who the grave belonged too without difficulty. I looked down at the flowers that had been placed there, I didn't remember seeing any flowers at the funeral but I hadn't been paying attention that day. They were fairly old and the petals were curling and browning with age, I shivered as I realised that the flowers were like Charlie's body. Withering and degrading until there was nothing left, that hurt me, if there was nothing left then there would be no-one left to remember until eventually Charlie Swan became nothing but a ghost a distant being, a memory. Renee was already disappearing everyone had forgotten her as soon as Charlie had died. That made me angry. No-body but the guilty should be forgotten.

I stood abruptly jolting myself out of my morbid thoughts, checking my watch praying for once that I had set it to the right time. Luck was with me. It was only three fifteen which meant that school had finished only fifteen minutes ago, maybe Edward wouldn't have known that I had gone, maybe he hadn't had the chance to worry. I snorted Edward would never stop worrying even when he was with me, Edward would find out that I had skipped school I knew, it didn't take a genius just a mind reader. He would read me like a book and see through my lies or if I managed to keep my walls of defence up he would read it from someone's mind when he next went back to school.

"Stupid, annoying, worrying, over protective vampire" I muttered knowing that no-one could hear me, though I still whispered the word just in case a person nearby thought I was crazy. I stood up brushing the dirt from my jeans, my legs ached from kneeling so long in front of the grave and I was suddenly hit with the realisation that I had spent the whole day lost in my own thoughts, Edward would definitely find out now. I felt a little better- maybe letting my guard down had been necessary- I was still a monster, I was still only human and I was still lost in the deep dark scary abyss of despair, guilt, sorrow and fear with only my bright and shiny anchor Edward to keep me from falling any deeper but I felt lighter. Just a little bit lighter.

I turned my head towards the woods, knowing for the first time that the cemetery was silent. I felt the red eyes burn into mine as my body locked down, too paralysed to even think of moving. I may have felt like I had to be punished but I needed to see Edward, it was too soon. He moved closer, I managed to gasp in fear come on Alice at least have a vision now. I needed to decided something, so she would see me, she had trouble seeing him I could leave them a clue. Think Bella think. Run. I was running towards my truck. Come on Alice I have decided to run to my truck, your smart im running because im being chased know that. Know that I have been taken. I felt cold arms wrap around my waist, they weren't Edwards they were colder, harsher and they held me painfully tight.

"Goodbye" I managed to choke out as I passed out with the grim knowledge that I wasn't going to see Edward again, knowing that my desperate flee and decision wouldn't be enough for him to find me. my plan was going to fail. I was going to be punished.


	16. Revelations

i had trouble uploading this chap so if for some reason theres a chap missing its casue i deperatley wanted to update bear with me while i try and sort it out this is my first fic! review please!!

Revelations 

Edwards point of view

Where was she. Where was she. They were the only words I could comprehend, school had ended ten minutes ago and she wasn't here. I paced around my bedroom cursing the sun, cursing the way it affected my skin- why today, why did it have to make an appearance when she was most likely in danger. Stupid newborn, stupid sun I cursed again and again they were my only words of solace. I checked my watch again twelve minutes past three, twelve minutes late. Stop it Edward I told myself she has to drive here first she might have been let out later than usual, she might be caught in traffic or with Angela, she might be... my mind ran through thirty plausible explanations for her unpunctuality.

I couldn't wait until I could hold her in my arms again, feel her soft creamy warm skin beneath my cold hard hands, to see the pools of brown that showed every emotion she thought I couldn't see, I felt anger flood through me when I thought of this. Her eyes, they were distant and cold- but not devoid of other emotion I could read her exceptionally well. She felt guilty every time I saw her, whenever I looked into her beautiful saddened eyes I could see it, guilt.

It moved under her skin; I could feel it in her touch which had become more hesitant, in her lips which had become softer and less enthusiastic. I did not understand her like I thought I did. Bella- my Bella- didn't talk much anymore it was as though she was staying silent to protect me from something that I couldn't see.

What if it wasn't protection, what if it was because she didn't love me anymore, just how badly HAD I hurt her this time? What if she could never love me again? Or worse what if she thought that she was hurting me and that I had "stopped loving her" as she thought I had before. I stopped thinking about that, I didn't want to relive those barren times without Bella, I focused solely on the present the pain had been unbearable and I did not want Bella to come home and see me- see me in my moment of unhappiness of pain. I did not want to add to her agony, because I was beginning to understand that there was a greater pain. Bella was fading away from me, soon I would love nothing but a shell. I wouldn't let that happen, I couldn't. After all I was the source of Bella's pain I had to fix her properly this time. I couldn't take the coward's way like had previously- I couldn't just walk away, walking away wasn't the answer.

Where was she. I looked at my plain wristwatch again twenty two minutes past three, she was definitely pushing the boundaries of late now, it would take her what ten- fifteen minutes to drive home from school is she got out from school straight away and drove at a reasonable speed. She's fine Edward, she'll be home soon she probably just went to clear her head she's fine. Bella is fine. Bella wont like it that much if you go and find her she needs to know that she can have Bella time. Damn the sun to the pits of Hades. Why couldn't I have gone with her? Why did she have to be late? I had spent the day in my room pacing, trying not to worry telling myself that she was at school that she was safe, that I would see her in a couple of hours, that Bella would be punctual like she generally was. It seemed to be failing her today.

A thousand scenarios ran through my head, Bella hurt in some hole, caked in mud crying out for my help. No. The image in my head flickered again- Bella terrified crying on the ground alone and soaked wishing that there had been someone to save her. Yet again I stopped those lines of thought, it was making me exceptionally paranoid, she would walk through that door any minute now, she wouldn't be back any later than four because I knew for a fact that she wanted to cook before Esme could get in the kitchen. I smiled at the memory Bella had wanted to cook and Esme had gotten me to physically take her away so that she could cook for her, I remembered how Bella's face had lit up with a small smile and how I had felt saddened when it had happened because the smile hadn't reached her eyes. Now I thought differently I would give anything to see her smile like that.

A quick glance down told me that it was now twenty eight minutes past three, carefully I made a decision I would go and find her if she wasn't back by four that gave her just over half an hour to get back home, nothing could have happened I was sure Alice would have seen it and told me. Bella was fine. I sighed in frustration there was no way that I was going to get through another half an hour like this but I couldn't help but think of all possibilities and because I was (according to both Bella and Alice) a pessimist and I reflected my line of thought was probably going to stay morbid until I knew that Bella was safe in my arms.

Damn sun. I needed something to distract myself, I needed something that might come in useful something that may help my love. I focused on finding myself something constructive to do, it was then that it hit me. I knew what I had to do, I had to find something that might convince Bella that Charlie's death wasn't her fault, I had to find proof that she wasn't to blame. I would have if it wasn't for the treaty started with Billy Black Charlie's life- long best friend questioned him on his behaviour, asked about the conversations they had but I knew that I couldn't. I would have questioned the men at the police station, - Charlie's colleagues but I knew that they wouldn't tell me, they didn't know me and I could offer them no explanation that they would understand to explain the questions that I wanted to ask.

I had ruled out the two most obvious options- friends and colleagues, moving onto another path- I found option three. Charlie's house. I would have to go back, I knew that nothing had been moved from the house other than a few of Bella's possessions, I could go there and look for something. Anything that could save Bella from herself. I checked my watch three thirty two, okay run to Charlies house and look that wouldn't take long I would have to think of something else to keep my mind of Bella when I returned.

Quickly I ran from my room, increasing my speed as soon as I was down the stairs and out the front door leaving my family behind as far as I knew Alice and Jasper were lounging in the conservatory, Rosalie and Emmet were- in their own rooms and Esme and Carlisle had gone hunting, good I told myself they would be around if Bella got back before I returned. I carefully cut that thought off it would only start my worries again. instead whilst I ran I imagined Bella's laugh melting in the happiness and amusement that would pour from it, her smile so bright and glorious it would lighten my world and send my dead heart into life. Her hair soft and silky between my fingers thick and shiny, her face the only face I ever saw, perfect and unblemished.

The wind was whipping past me exceptionally fast I used to like the comfort it gave me the joy but now I felt heavy and tainted with despair, running was no longer an escape I couldn't feel happy without Bella, a happy, free normal Bella. I sighed realising that I was beginning to fall back into my brooding. I reached Bella's house swiftly opening the door with the key which was still hidden behind the eave. I didn't bother wiping my feet, I didn't bother closing the door behind me. I slowed from my run into a normal walk and began to make my way into the living room. The suicide room, I remembered the note from last time, I remembered Bella's face all too clearly. So afraid, so fragile and innocent yet the fear was overpowering on her features shrouding out any hope.

I stopped in the middle of the room, and allowed myself to lose myself in its scent, first there was Bella's smell- sweet and strong still hanging in the air from our last visit I blocked that out first which was hard because it was a scent that I loved; calming and mouth watering. Then there was my own though this time it didn't take long for me to blank it out I had never really enjoyed the scent of vampires but I had discovered that every vampires scent was slightly different if you peeled back the layers. After that I smelt nothing everything was fuzzy from age, I was too late to find out anything new in here and probably the rest of the house as well. I regained my normal sense of smell with ease and looked down again at my watch three forty. Twenty minutes till I could go and look for Bella until I could start worrying about her again.

I walked carefully over to the wall which had held the message- Alice and Emmet had taken care of the note encase Bella wanted to come back here again. I placed my hands on the wall, it felt damp it was hard to tell with my skin, I looked up sure enough a tiny hole allowing the air to get through and the rain- well that was the source of the dampness sorted but it was nothing useful. I looked down, I zoomed in on the skirting board it was slightly bent, I didn't remember if it was like that before but I bent down and tore it from its place anyway, there was a small piece of paper no bigger than a post it note something that had fallen and been blown through the space between the floor and the skirting. I picked it up, it was blank possibly something that Bella or Charlie had dropped.

I lifted it to my nose and took a deep breath.

No.

It couldn't be.

No.

I couldn't mistake that scent, growls began to erupt within my chest, I was shaking with rage and fear. Suddenly I didn't think that Charlie's death was a suicide. There was as I had always said nothing that Bella could have done. Someone else had played a hand in Charlie's death.

Victoria.


	17. Ultimate Punishments

thanks to my newest reviewer im going to update, im not sure about this chapter and it does contain changes of points of view which i dont generally do during a chapter, it was kind of spur of the moment but i think that it will help to lead onto better chapters. im not sure anyway tell me what you think hint hint cough review cough or Pm cough though i think its okay! anyway if its rubbish your stuck with it unless you review and then i might alter it if its really that bad! anwaydy REVIEW ITLL MAKE ME HAPPY!!

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Ultimate punishments

Bella's point of view

I felt cold extremely cold, my teeth were chattering and I rubbed against my arms in a futile attempt to warm them using friction, it didn't help, I couldn't see I was surrounded by darkness, I wondered where I was and what was going to happen though part of me assured me that I really didn't want to know. I couldn't move my legs I was paralysed from the waist downwards. I should have been terrified, a normal person should have been scared out of their wits, I should have been struggling to find a way out. I didn't try, I was up against a vampire I knew that I couldn't win, I had accepted my fate long ago. I tried to be indifferent and cutting because I knew that if I felt it would cause my already broken heart to shatter again and again until there was nothing left. Another part of me was with Edward, I felt the guilt and pain begin to rise within me at the thought of his name, how could I abandon him? what would this do to him? I wished that he would move on and find someone else to live his life with and that after I was gone he could be happy.

I mean it was my fault that he was in so much pain, I was the cause of the heartache and hurt surely if I was removed then he could be the happy Edward that I missed and loved. I tried to change my line of thoughts so that I didn't see his face in my minds eye; it ripped me apart when I saw the smile on his face and how devastated he would be if I died. I had been lying to myself, I knew deep down that he loved me, that he would never leave me, that it would be stupid to think that he could be happy without me. I saw how he felt about me in his eyes. I could feel it when he touched me. He had already proved that he loved me by staying with me when I had been that cruel and uncaring monster. I still was that cruel and uncaring monster but I would be something worse if I left Edward. I knew that I had only lied to myself to protect him, he shouldn't be with a person like me, though I knew that he would never understand. He believed that I was pure and innocent but I wasn't, nobody was innocent. Everyone was selfish- though the amount varied with different people.

Humans were selfish and for some reason Edward didn't see this, he believed that he was guilty, he believed that his very existence made him evil. Just how wrong he was humans were much worse because we blamed it on everyone else we made excuses and invented mercy. Who were we to judge people? But we did it anyway, and I was the guiltiest of the lot, I had lied to him. To my Edward, I had hurt him and caused him and his family- people who cared about me so much pain, I was worse I was human and I had done it to protect him, to save him. if he thought I didn't love him then he could move on and away from a person like me.

I had killed Charlie and Renee would he still love me when he finally saw that? Maybe it was better if I died, he didn't love me I was a burden a useless monster, and he was only staying around because he felt it was his duty. He was just being a gentleman. Did he even know that I was missing? More importantly did he even care?

No he wasn't I argued with myself he loved me regardless of my sins, he would always love me. The way he smiled at me, how he had comforted me. And before I could let the more morbid, self pitying uncaring side find an argument. I used this knowledge and screamed. Loudly and shrilly, hoping that he 

would find me so that I could make up for the sorrow I had caused him. So I could show him that I still loved him, so I could make him happy. An image or Renee and Charlie flashed through my mind, I didn't let that stop me because I knew who I couldn't live without. It was a hysterical hope that filled me and I knew that as long as I had that then I wouldn't get scared, the vampire couldn't plant the seed of fear in me. Hope would- for the moment keep me safe- in my mind at least. I screamed and screamed until I couldn't scream anymore.

Edward's point of view

Victoria. Victoria. Victoria.

I could feel the growls slowly begin to gain more and more volume, my chest was shaking because the volume was so intense, and my entire frame was shaking in anger and despair. How could I have let her slip through my fingers, Alice hadn't seen her why? I knew the answer because it was my fault, I had Alice focussing solely on Bella I had thought nothing of Charlie or Renee. I was too selfish to notice Bella's family and think of their safety I had only thought of Bella. Bella was more important to me, I needed Bella she was everything to me and I had completely forgotten her family, I didn't care because I knew that if I could go back I would always concentrate on Bella. Bella was my world. Still I could feel the guilt rise within me consuming my dead heart, I wondered vaguely if this was how Bella felt, if this was what she had to live with every day. I knew to my great discomfort that this was only a snippet of her feelings. I checked my watch. Three fifty four, I flew out the door running through the rain so fast that to the human eye I was nothing but a blur, I still clutched the paper in my right hand it was the only proof I had. Bella may believe it but I wasn't sure whether this newfound knowledge would hurt her more it seemed like an age since she had confided in me. Part of me blamed myself, said that I had driven her to this but I ignored it, I was a selfish creature I needed Bella to live so that side always won. I reached my house in record time. I could feel rain drops in my hair but I couldn't care less, one sniff of the air told me that Bella hadn't returned, her beautiful scent hadn't passed through the door this afternoon which meant that I could allow myself to worry.

I wondered where I should look for her and I was about to turn around and head back out to begin my search when I stopped and focused my mind on Alice, she had been trying to hide something from me. I waited until she replayed what she had just seen.

The vision

_Bella lay in darkness, I couldn't see where she was, she was soaked through and her legs which were sheathed in jeans lay an odd angle- though they weren't broken- it was then that I noticed that she was shivering, by heart went out for her, her legs though weren't moving at all- it was like she was paralysed, I studied her face, she didn't look afraid. She looked tired and pained. Her lips were turning an icy blue, she couldn't stop trembling. Her eyes were filled with remorse and guilt thought I could see that she was suppressing the fear that she wouldn't let me see on her face. Bella looked right at me or where I thought I was, took a deep breath and screamed..._

I was jolted out of the vision by an audible snap and I realised that I had just broken the door knob. My Bella was in trouble, I could feel the fear and guilt begin to sweep through my veins how could I not know that she was missing? Why did I wait I should have known? I had to find her, I had too. There was no question in that, I needed to see her to tell her that I would all be alright that she could stop feeling guilty. I had to fix her, to set her free. I turned back and looked at the members of my family that had silently crept into the hall, but I didn't see them, all I could see was Bella her face. Bella. I had to find her. I needed to find her or die trying. The only punishment that could begin to hurt me, a world without Bella.

Bella's point of view

Edward. Edward. Edward. It was the only name that kept me conscious, I clung to it with all my strength ignoring my pain, ignoring everything except for him. I kept my mind focussed if I faltered I would be lost in despair and sorrow. Edward, Edward, Edward. My eyes which had closed in concentration snapped open, I saw something cutting through my darkness and I finally awoke from my surreal world, though I tried to hold on, tried to keep myself in my blissful unconsciousness.

"Judgment has been decided, you must be punished" the voice whispered, I felt my blood freeze, I was alone, Edward wasn't going to get here in time, I was going to die without seeing him and fixing him. I prayed that he would get better and resigned myself to my fate.

A punishment, probably death, but the ultimate punishment a world without Edward.


	18. Blood Coffins

okay so this is one of my favourite chapters that ive written!! so i expect hint hint lots of reviews i mean come on ive only got fourteen and half of them are from my best friend deathly phoenix! thankyou to all of you that have reviewed especially to Twilight forever!! i enjoy encouragment hint hint. anyway so heres the new chapter and i couldnt resit with the ending so let me know what you think please i want more reviews 14 is not a lot and i know i sound spoiled but this is my first fic!! so review and ill update faster anways on with the story...

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Blood coffins

Bella's point of view

I was cold so terrible cold and my legs still wouldn't move, I had no idea how long I had been asleep this time but I could tell that I had moved, I was outside this time, the sky was black and inky and the brilliant stars which I usually took comfort from had vanished- hidden behind the thick storm clouds. Another storm, I thought of the last storm and what it had meant- there was a storm the day my father had died. I shuddered willing my mind to move on knowing that I couldn't deal with it now in this predicament. Instead I focused on a happier memory, the evening Edward had taken me out with his family to watch them play baseball, it was stormy that night as well which was probably for the best with the amount of noise they made, I remembered how Edward had held my hand, so cold yet so comforting- it seemed so long ago though in truth it couldn't be more than two years ago, not long at all really considering everything that had happened since.

Another world a much happier world, though I had brought destruction that night as well, it had come quickly, by the name of a small coven- James, Victoria and Laurent. I sighed I wondered if I would ever stop attracting danger, knowing my luck the psychotic vampires would just keep on coming. I stopped that thought and tried not to question my sanity, my legs were bound, my head was throbbing, I was cold and laying in the dark on a stormy night and I was reminiscing and thinking sarcastically about luck and sadistic vampires, it must be sleep deprivation I decided almost hopefully.

For some reason my brain wouldn't clear, I couldn't think straight, I couldn't see very well either and my legs were more numb than they had been before, I tried desperately to make out my surroundings but I couldn't raise my head high enough to see, my arms were tightly bound and I found after a few half hearted tugs that I could gain no movement from them. Dragging myself to safety wasn't even a sensible option in the state that I was in though I couldn't really survey the damage. I felt heavy and tired. Drugged. He had drugged me. I was disappointed that I couldn't feel outraged at that fact, I couldn't feel anything at all, I was too tired and it took too much effort. Oh Edward Im so so sorry.

I thought wishing that I could see Edward and touch his face. I was secretly praying that he would find me any minute, wishing that I could apologize for my stupid behaviour and tell him how much I loved him, wishing that he could take the guilt and the pain and the fear away because I knew that as soon as I held his hand and he held mine everything would disappear, the guilt the pain everything. It WAS my fault and I was the one that had to deal with that he shouldn't suffer for my mistakes, as soon as I kissed him everything would be like it had been- mostly, I would still be guilty and nothing would change that but I would bury those emotions so I could see him happy so I could forget the pain.

It wasn't the just the pain of losing my father or my mother, or the pain of knowing it was my fault, it was the pain of losing Edward in my guilt, the pain of his sadness the pain of his guilt; he thought stupidly that it was his fault, that he was the reason for my sadness, he had never been more wrong. I 

had to make him see that, I had to free him, but there was a bigger pain- the pain of dying without telling him this, the pain of never seeing Edward again. I could feel my heart begin to splinter at that very thought and already my ribs were aching. I snapped myself out of it before I broke, the thumping in my head seemed to be receding and I was able to focus on my surroundings. I gasped in fear when I finally realised where I was, there was a large man shaped shadow next to me and I could see the glowing red eyes more clearly than I wanted too, the newborn. That wasn't the cause of the fright at all, I could see the grey colouring from here and I cursed my vision willing it to fail. Of course it didn't the fear had already taken over and I could feel it flooding through my veins. I was in a graveyard, lying parallel to Charlie's gravestone, the grave had been dug open and I averted my eyes so I couldn't see the remains of my father. My nightmare was going to come true I was going to be buried alive right next to my father.

Edwards point of view

I had to find her, it was now past nine o clock in the evening it was dark and there was a storm in the air, I had to find her. She must be so alone. I tried not to get angry at myself, willed myself not to panic I couldn't lose her. Wouldn't lose her. I needed her. I began pacing again in our conservatory, Alice sat in the corner with Jasper getting more and more upset as her visions failed her, I wanted to reassure her to tell her that it didn't matter we would find her. I didn't have the energy or the time every second mattered, Bella mattered, Rosalie sat with Esme both of them afraid, both of them issuing apologises in their heads but I couldn't acknowledge them because it wouldn't have helped only Bella could ease the pain and the fear and anger. I needed Bella.

Carlisle and Emmet stood by the window trying to decipher the scents on the paper I had brought home, to prove to Bella that it wasn't her fault, to fix her. It seemed to trivial and unimportant now, I would rather have a broken, empty Bella than no Bella at all at least then I would know that she was safe. I paced round again, part of my mind silently thinking of contingency plans; I could attack a werewolf they would have no problem of finishing me off, I would run to the Voltera again and convince the Voltutri that I would do anything to die, this time they would destroy me I would make sure of it.

The rest of my mind was trying to find a clue that would lead us to Bella. First there was the slip of paper covered in Victoria's scent, then there was Charlie's suicide which could have been a murder, thought I still doubted Victoria's self control, Charlie's death itself seemed too clean to be of a vampires doing surely if she really wanted to scare Bella she would have drained him completely. But then is she hadn't killed Charlie then why her scent on that piece of paper-and how did it get there. It seemed exceptionally strange that a blank note which was covered in the scent of a known enemy had blown under the skirting board. Victoria was too neat a vampire to leave traces of herself so what was it. Then there was the newborn, his arrival, his lack of thoughts his strange smell. I couldn't hear his thoughts, Alice could only see his arrival. He was shrouded in mystery, we didn't even know his name or his intentions but I knew that her had something to do with it.

I thought of Bella laughing happily, her beautiful smile that made me feel elated and joyful, her innocence, her pale skin soft and warm and so comforting, Bella the only person in the entire world that could calm me just by the slightest touch to my hand, my one and only love, I thought of her 

mischievous smile when we I had taken her to the meadow for the first time, how the sunlight revealed hidden red streaks in her hair, how I had made her lovely white face flush a gorgeous red. Her inability to hurt someone else, her compassion I thought of her hesitant shy touch, or her laugh which chimed like bells. And her amazing mouth watering scent so irresistible... her scent.

Her scent. That was important, he the newborn had smelt faintly like Bella, Bella's mother had died that was the first fact, Renee had been the one killed by Victoria not Charlie, Renee's death was much more violent much more frightening and it was self cleaning the explosion would remove all evidence of her involvement, there would be no trace, that was more like Victoria, the note must have been falsified or maybe she had planted that there when she discovered that Renee was visiting and thought of her plan, maybe the note had just fallen from her pocket and was as innocent as it was a distraction away from her real plan.

Then there had been the newborns arrival, Alice had seen him arrive just before Bella had called me, just after she had found her father dead. The newborn had something to do with Bella, he had her scent, I couldn't read his mind. It fitted. He was linked with Bella. So he wouldn't have killed Charlie, Bella couldn't hurt her father so he couldn't. Charlie's death had been of his own accord, the newborn had just used that. It was like he was feeding of Bella's pain, he had appeared just after Bella's mother had died, it made sense.

I thought back to Bella's dreams and what she had in-avertedly mumbled in her sleep, there was a dream about her mother she had whispered her name, felt guilty I shuddered in pain she had relived her mother's death. Then there was Charlie's death, he had killed himself and the gun was in her hands that was what she had said, then there was the graveyard dream.. the graveyard oh god he was going to take her to Charlie.

Bella's point of view 

I struggled again and again, but it was no use the ropes only rubbed themselves deeper into my wrists causing me more pain, my legs remained immobile and to my horror my vision had cleared so I could now see everything in great detail around me, I made sure that I never looked into the abyss of my father's grave. The newborn had just watched me, with his glowing eyes waiting for something, a command I didn't know. I felt fear and panic begin to escalate until I became more and more aware of it, I could feel the tears pouring down my eyes hot and fearful, silently I was angry at myself, but this time the anger wasn't enough to overpower the fear. I wriggled even more, a small part of my brain thinking only of Edward and what this would do to him, his face and how I would never see him again, I ripped myself apart inside thinking of a world without Edward. Another piece of my brain was trying to figure out why the newborn wasn't mocking me and why he was doing this, I didn't even know his name.

Maybe that was enough perhaps he just wanted to be known. Victoria this had to be Victoria she wanted revenge didn't she. No it wasn't Victoria she would want more than this and she would want to gloat before she killed me. I was shifting the blame deep down I knew it was my fault. It was my bad luck that had gotten me into this mess. The rest of my mind – a much larger part was too busy with the fear and the pain to think and I could feel myself drowning in the sea of fright.

Without warning and without a word the newborn stepped over to me and pulled the rope clean off my wrists, they were sore and I could feel blood running down my hands where I they had cut so deeply into my skin. He looked into my eyes just once, and for once the smell of blood didn't pull me into unconsciousness I was too terrified to even think of fainting, my brain didn't even register that I was afraid of blood. His eyes were so sad, yet they were filled with anger and malice, I wondered how he had become like that and what had caused his pain. Suddenly it clicked, it was my fault.

He was my guilt.

He wasn't working for Victoria or trying to make a name for himself.

I had created him. It was me. My guilt. My pain. Me.

I had felt so guilty he was a part of me, a part that was going to kill me. I was killing myself. It seemed so clear now.

The pain crushed me again and I wished that I could see Edward, that I could tell him how sorry I was. The tears grew heavier down my face until my vision was blurred with moisture. He growled angrily at me at the new onslaught of pain and lifted me with one hand flinging me into Charlie's grave, I couldn't move my legs so I landed on my back, thankfully he had rolled me onto the mud and I had missed the coffin, before I could breathe a sigh of relief and even think of a way to drag myself out of the grave I was hauled over to the open coffin. I screamed despite myself and tried to pull my arms out of his grasp, but his grip was iron tight and my legs refused to move though I was beginning to gain feeling in my feet so I knew that the drug he had given me was wearing off and the damage wasn't permanent. Roughly he lifted me and placed me in the coffin. Shutting the lid and all hopes of a rescue.


	19. Storms

the last in this tory so review please!!

Bellas pov

Fear flooded through me like a tidal wave, I couldn't even begin to try and stop it, the force of it took my breath away. I couldn't think clearly it dissolved all logical thought and try as I might I couldn't overcome it. Desperately I scrabbled on the wooden lid, all thoughts concentrated on my safety and the pain as the wood ripped my fingernails. Somehow I couldn't care less about the pain it was distant, forgotten waiting at the back of mind. I could barely see through the haze of panic in my brain; my breathing was already irregular, my movements frantic and I was sure that my eyes were wide with terror- I didn't care I was too afraid to care I couldn't die like this. I could barely move my legs and I was trapped inside a coffin, my father's coffin, it was all my fault, so many had suffered because of me. I felt moisture leak from my eyes but I couldn't even begin to wipe the hot tears away. I couldn't think straight, I knew I was shaking but I couldn't even begin to fathom control, I didn't want to be in control, I didn't want to be aware of my own death. I tore again and again at the lining of the coffin tearing away at the fabric until I was sure there was nothing left, I tore at the wood barely registering the grain of the wood. I didn't want to die.

Edwards pov

I ran. My body knew what to do, I was on autopilot, I couldn't think, all I could see was her face in my mind, she was all I had, my only love. I would not live without her. It was that thought that pushed me further forward faster and faster towards my destination. Bella. If I found her dead I would soon join her. She was my air. She was my everything. I needed her to live. Without her there was no point to my existence.

Bellas pov

Slowly I began to calm down as I became accustomed to my surroundings. Edward. The one thought that made it all better. The one name that made me concentrate. I longed to touch his face. I hadn't even gotten the chance to tell him how sorry I was. How much I loved him. I hoped he knew that I did, I wished that he could know, that I could tell him. I had to set him free, I had to make sure he wouldn't follow out contingency plans I knew he was already making. This time I was sure he wouldn't find me. he wouldn't reach me in time. I had to tell him. He had to know, that I loved him that it wasn't his fault.

My eyes were dimly aware of my surroundings and if I concentrated I could make out the scraps of linen I had torn of in my moments of panic, I could use them to write my message, I didn't have ink but I could feel the hot liquid trickling down my fingers, I could smell the rusty salty scent of the blood which would have normally pulled me under. Carefully I felt for the material groping around my prison until I found the largest piece, I smoothed it gently on top of my stomach and raised an aching arm. I pushed my first finger to the linen quickly writing the letters that I hoped would set Edward free- making sure my finger moved quickly so the blood wouldn't soak and bleed into the cloth.

_I love you. I will always love you. All of you be happy. Live. For me, please. _

It took all of the fingers on my right hand for me to write it and I was sure that my writing was shaky but I didn't care, I needed him to know.

I prayed that he would heed my words, but I wasn't giving up yet, this was just plan B plan A was a lot more likeable. It involved me somehow getting out of here and telling this to Edward in person. It involved a miracle. I pushed that thought aside and repressed it before I could dwell and begin to doubt again. I didn't need more fear, or sorrow.

THUMP

I jumped at the noise, flinching at the sound that shattered the silence.

THUMP

Of course, he couldn't just leave me in here, he was burying me. I wondered how long it took for a person to die without oxygen. My breathing picked up pace again but I refused to let the fear take a hold. I scrabbled for the other strips of coffin cloth, placing them all in a pile on my left arm, I picked up a strip and tore it until I had five small strips, I did the same to another piece. I began to wrap the linen round my bleeding fingers, blindly tying knots to hold the rag in place. I didn't know why I was doing it but I wanted to focus on something other than the rhythmic sound of Earth on wood. I drowned out the steady thump focussing on my blood seeping through my makeshift bandages.

Don't panic. Don't panic. Edward will know that you loved him. I didn't care about my own pitiful life anymore- that had passed now all I cared about was Edward. I just wished that before I had left for school that morning I had said I loved him. I didn't bother to wipe the tears away this time as the leaked from my eyes.

Edwards pov

I had never run faster in my entire existence, Carlisle, Emmet and Jasper only just keeping up with my frantic pace. Carlisle carried his medical bag, I could hear it faintly jangling, we weren't taking any chances.

Bellas pov

I was feeling strangely light headed- I guessed from a lack of oxygen, but everything was becoming clearer in my mind. The newborn. I had created him not in the sense of nose, face, body created but I had made him angry for some in-explainable reason I was connected with him, maybe we shared the same scent or something. Then when he was changed he became more aware of this connection, he felt what I felt and I had driven him to point of insanity. He had his own emotions to worry about and now he had mine. I felt sorry for him. I was sorry, sorry for being so stupid, sorry for bottling. I shouldn't have but I didn't want anyone else to get hurt.

I couldn't bear the thought of Edward leaving me he was all I had. I moved my note slightly lower down shifting until it was at the bottom of my feet. I was beginning to regain feeling in my legs. It was like pins 

and needles. Maybe I could lift my legs so I could kick the lid off. There couldn't be that much dirt on top he seemed to be going at human pace- to make my torment last longer. I willed my legs up- as far as they would go in the confined space- fighting for consciousness, my head spun with the effort but I focused on my legs. Pushed. A tiny lift of the lid, soon there would be so much dirt on there I wouldn't be able to move it.

I had to get out. I pushed again, willing energy into my limbs. It lifted further this time. My chest heaved with the effort whilst black dots danced across my vision. This time I put everything into my kick, using the tip of my toes and my knees (I couldn't raise my legs up that high without bending my knees)I used everything I had, my rage my anger, my love for Edward, my sorrow. Everything I had went through my legs and into the wood. I saw the sky as the lid shifted out of place. I quickly pushed the lid away with my hands and pushed. There was so much dirt on top, it was soo heavy I couldn't push it entirely off. I still couldn't escape and I had allowed more dirt in. I hated the cold wet feel, but I had given myself more time, I had more oxygen.

Suddenly I saw a flash of white yank the lid away effortlessly. He had come for me, he was going to finish the job and kill me now without the theatrics.

"oh Bella"

I gasped, as he lifted me out of my prison, shaking the dirt of me, wiping it from my face and clothes.

"Edward, I love you" before I burst into a flood of tears. Clinging to him with all my might.

Edwards pov

We were here finally. Emmet and Jasper lunged for the vampire making quick work of him. I rushed down to the grave scooping of layers of dirt, when I saw that the lid had been moved just slightly out of place. It was enough. I wrenched it open, flinging it away, I lifted her out. Memorizing her face, brushing the dirt away, though it left brown smudges on her skin and clothes. She was damp, her hair was a mess, he fingers were wrapped in what looked like linen. But she was alive. I didn't care about anything other than the fact that she was alive and breathing as I held her in my arms.

"oh Bella" I managed though the relief made it hard for me to get my words out,

"Edward I love you" she whispered and to my surprise she burst into tears, wrapping her arms around me in a hug that would have made Emmet proud.

I knew that in that instant that the storm was over, she loved me she had said it herself and I would always love her.. I would never let her go, and she would conceivable never let me go. I breathed in her scent, her face, her life, I listened to her heart beat as she clung to me. Nothing would break the hold she held over me. Nothing. And I could see that we would always be. Together. For the rest of eternity.

We had both learnt our lessons. When lightning struck, it sure as hell burned.

The end


End file.
